Hash Trash: 4/27/08
Hares: Its Too Soft and Lifa
Venue: Party Central 933 W. Wolfram
HASHERS- Chicken Stiffer, Cuma Slutra, Just Brian, Just Steve, The Enema Canal, Just Tim, Super Stuffer, Horn-E, Rotten Whore, Calvin Klein, Batteries Not Included, Just Rob, Lifa, Bloody Thighs, Wrapper Snatcher, Stab’em and Slab’em, MudSucker, Just Joan, Chip-n-Dale, Just Jody, Just Amanda, Cobwebs in the Bush, Virtually Hung, Stupid Man, Milk My YAK, Barks on All Fours, Mouthful of Meat, I Like Dick, Mount Me Puh’lzee, Mount Schwiiinga, Bag Squeezer, and Three Dogs (Not an actual name)
TOTAL HASHERS= 33
It was the last Sunday Hash of the season and the kennel showed up in force, testing the capacity of IT’S TOO SOFT’s skydeck. MILK MY YAK was operating, I believe, the only keg winch in Midwest existence. With the keg situated in its new home, the pack headed down to the alley for Chalk Talk. Our hares were none other than IT’S TOO SOFT and LIFA. With the talk and the introductions complete, the pack took off with I LIKE DICK, JUST JODY, and THE ENEMA CANAL in the lead.
The trail looked like it was going to be a fairly simple one but after the first check THE ENEMA CANAL got completely lost. He was able to find COBWEBS IN THE BUSH (her dog decided to mark his own trail at a most inopportune moment) to help get back on trail. Meanstwhile, CHICKEN STIFFER had started going free range and HORN-E had disappeared altogether. Up near the front VIRTUALLY HUNG, JUST JODY, JUST BRIAN, and CALVIN KLEIN were marking the true trails, the short cuts, and leaving choice words for any sweeping hares.
Unlike other hashes, the kennel was strung out from Diversey Harbor and past De Paul all the way to the beer stop which was directed by a BN, another BN, a BVN, and another BVN (That’s just cruel). The top deck of the parking garage was the perfect place to regroup and recover. The best part was quite a few of the hashers got trapped at the top behind a locked door looking out at the Fuji-mobile (slightly less popular than the Pope-mobile). CHICKEN STIFFER was the first to fall into the trap, followed by THE ENEMA CANAL who pounded the glass in futility, I LIKE DICK was next, and then ROTTEN WHORE finally showed up and became trapped with the entire pack mocking her.
With the beer check near depletion it was time to head back and IT’S TOO SOFT was on his bike when he was taken down by a corner (This is his second injury for April alone!) Feeling it was his civic duty, VIRTUALLY HUNG quickly created a chalk outline of the accident site to help IT’S TOO SOFT’s pending case on next week’s Judge Judy. With the accident site investigated we headed back down and started back to Party Central.
Once everyone had finally made it back with their puppies in baby carriages we started getting ready for the circle. The RA and GM donned their ceremonial robes and we started our singing of the hymnals. Our FRBs were JUST JODY and FLYING HOOTERS while our opposite end of the spectrum DFLs were ROTTEN WHORE and the very late BAG SQUEEZER. For making it a bestiality hash STUPID MAN, STAB’EM AND SLAB’EM, and COBWEBS were called into the circle. Despite having dogs with them, they were all pretty much near the rear of the pack, but then again STUPID MAN needs to teach his pup that you can’t hump a dog from the side. Bag Squeezer received his anointed whistle and lanyard for his tenth run, even if he did show up for just the end of it. ROTTEN WHORE and THE ENEMA CANAL were called out for their attendance of the Racist Rally in Ravenswood (12th analversary) which we later learned that BLOODY THIGHS had watched. CUMA SLUTRA and WRAPPER SNATCHER were called out for changing into their “Hey there, please sexually satisfy me boots.”
In a series of bizarre events, I LIKE DICK attempted a coup but forgot to secure support from the people for his “revoluccion.” Once the Coalition had taken back control, the accused was forced on his knees for his grievous violation and forced to drink. For all those that thought drinking out of new shoes was just an urban legend; JUST TIM and I LIKE DICK ignored the warnings and drank from their Asics-flavored vessels.
And the award for creepiest, most sleep preventing event was none other than HORN-E sticking his tongue in JUST AMANDA’s ear. So that it’s not the last thought in your mind, afterwards the circle was dissolved, SUPER STUFFER became our Iron Chef manning the grill station, and there was much inebriated socialism. Also when you see R-TARD-E and JUST I LEAN make sure you congratulate them on their elopement to Puerta Vallerta.
THE ENEMA CANAL
Click here 4 GPS Map of da trail!