20, 20, 24 Hours To Go (202024 hours = 23 years)
By The Enema Canal
Chicago Cum-Times
Hashed 25 May 2008, 2:17 PM
Chalet von Virgin Banger und Renta Virgin
Come and visit beautiful Lincoln Square in the spring (before it turns into winter), site of the famous Claddagh Ring (now offering Wi-Fi and Guinness at 2306 W. Foster)! This is your starting point for a lovely day that includes fierce competition, light drinking, and of course gentle romping in the grass.
Your day will start off as you and any virgins you bring along will arrive as early as you can for a chance to own one of the highly coveted technical hash t-shirts (limited to the first 30 to show up and pay). With this technical gear, not only will you become an FRB but you will be able to look as good as the hares RENTA VIRGIN, VIRGIN BANGER, and SMELL THIS. Just ask WRAPPER SNATCHER and THE PORCELAIN GOD as they camped out in front of the Claddagh Ring a whole 45 minutes before the On-Out. But remember, it�s not unusual for supplies to run out as early as 1:47 PM.
As the time nears for our 4th annual game of Hide and Go Fu�uh…Seek, you�ll meet old friends such as BANG ME, BLOW ME, GET ME OFF and 3 X A LADY as well as new friends like Cubbies supporter JUST ED and SALTY GASH�s brother SAVORY GASH (okay, okay, his name is JUST JOHN). So anyways you get to meet people. If you are a longtime hasher you get to meet people you already know, if you�re a virgin hopefully you don�t recognize anybody you work with.
To ensure that your journey is started off in a nice and organized manner, our Hospitality Hares will provide a brief lecture explaining the different types of Hash Marks that you will likely miss without a trained eye. To help contrast with the light grey sidewalk, we�ll use chalk colours (oooh fancy, the Brits use a �U� with color) like pink, white, and gray. If you�re a virgin like JUST MIN� then just follow HORN-E and the sound of his horn as he leads you somewhere. R-TARD-E will also ensure you get to your destination eventually unless he confuses JUST I LEAN with JUST EILEEN.
Your first destination on your journey will take you around the lovely neighborhoods where you have the option to run through a soccer game. Numerous checks will slow down the FRBs and provide CUNT-N-PASTIES the chance to trip THE ENEMA CANAL, who will barely recover at the last moment. Don�t think that tripping is unacceptable, because it�s not, and neither is running back and forth in the park looking for true trail like DICKENS CIDER. But it will all be worth it as you arrive at the Casa de NO PENETRATION where the first 50 hashers will receive a frosty, aluminum wrapped beverage. But make sure you go to the right place because the other house may be hash friendly and ask �Are you coming in?� but they don�t carry American beer.
From the first Beer Stop we�ll head to the House of BLOODY THIGHS. Along the way you may see ROTTEN WHORE using here phone on trail for some sort of emergency. You can also expect ENEMA to disappear off trail to get sprayed down by perplexed gardeners, leaving DICKENS CIDER to FBI the way in. Once you arrive, pick your teams quickly or you might lose to EZ ON THE ASS�s team which is on a winning streak. The key to Izzy Dizzy is to make sure you don�t hurt yourself when you fall like BAGSQUEEZER. But if you hurt yourself, grab BLOODY THIGHS�s 10 year old frozen peas and wrap them around your hand like JUST I LEAN before you head to the final Beer Stop.
At the final Beer Stop you�ll meet up with JUST STEVE, JUST CRYSTAL, CALVIN KLEIN, and BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED who will direct you to a lovely game of �Duck, Duck, Goose.� The key is to remember that when you tag your Goose make sure they are slower than you and make sure you have checked the tread on your hashing shoes, you don�t want to slip like JUST JODY. Also it helps to remember where the Goose sat because you don�t want to end up in the middle because you sat in the wrong spot like RENTA VIRGIN and ODOR EATER. Unfortunately, there won�t be a winner as we�ll have to leave early for the On-In.
And when your journey is finally complete, you can expect some fine dining choices from our executive chefs PETERBILT and CALVIN KLEIN (both AAA 4-Diamond chefs, they actually trained Charlie Trotter). After LIFA dons the Cone of Silence he will inevitably harass everyone until they pour beer down his cone. ALCOHOLIDAY will sing �24 Hours I Masturbated� while encouraging people to take a hit from the Flabongo. BRRR from Austin will show that the top of her head is a good place to set down your beer (HMMM) by balancing a sippy cup of beer. Speaking of sippy cups, we like babies but keep them away from the pitchers or we may crush them during Izzy Dizzy (NOTE: SQUEEZE THESE and SPECKIE have confirmed the children are forever traumatized).
So whether you�d rather cum for PETERBILT and CALVIN�s food, or play Flippy Cup with PRINCESS LABIA and MAGNETIC MUFF, or lay on top of other hashers like JUST TIM and THE GREAT LOCKNESS COCKSTER did, cum on out to Californ�er�Lincoln Square. We�d love to have you out here so you can look through the cupboards and in the oven like ENEMA and DONKEY PUNCH did or just relax playing bags like ASSFLAC and TOO MUCH HEAD. If your lucky you can be a sibling for newly adopted BANG ME, BLOW ME, GET ME OFF. So book your ticket today and we’ll keep the Goose Island chilled for ya.
HARES (5): Renta Virgin, Smell This, Virgin Banger, Peterbilt, Calvin Klein,
VIRGINS (6): Just John, Just Brett, Just Tony, Just Eileen, Just Krystal, Just Min�
VISITORS (4): Flag No Pole (Aloha H3), Alcoholiday (Vegas), BRRR (Austin, Texas), Donkey Punch (Indyscent)
HASHERS (59): Two Tickets to a Pair of Thighs; The Great Lockness Cockster; Its Too Soft; Chicken Stiffer; Horn-E; Bag Squeezer; Lower Whackoff; Just Jody; Cuma Slutra; Necropiliac; 867-5309; Too Much Head; Wrapper Snatcher; The Porecelain God; Just Ed; Special Head; The Enema Canal; UpLoader; Stump Humper; Salty Gash; Johnny Cockring; Foot-n-Mouth; Princess Labia; EZ on the Ass; Lifa; Cunt-n-Pasties, Flying Hooters; Bloody Thighs; Likes it on the Bottom; Bank of Spermamerica; R-Tard-E; Takes too long too Cum; Rotten Whore; Odor Eater; Hoosier Daddy; Dickens Cider; 3 x a Lady, Just Steve; W�all Bangher; Batteries not Included; Squeeze These; Speckie; Packher Ass; Cums on I Lean; Just I Lean; Hot Pants; The KGB; Ram Van Thank You Ma�am; Man-o-Whore; Or-G; Asspocket; Just Mark; Just Julia; Just Tim; Bang Me, Blow Me, Get Me Off; Magnetic Muff, Assflac
OTHER NOTEABLES: No Penetration (beer stop 1) and I have no idea who just walked or showed up late.
TOTAL: 69 and 5 hares if we split them. 75 with No Penetration.