The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash 5/9/2011 by Horn-E
Our hares were SnatchSquatch and Two Girls One Cupcake out of Weathermark. By all reports, it was a scenic route. Somehow I missed some of the scenic parts. Shit happens. By why does it happen so often? We took off with 18 hounds and Licker Leash leading the pack to the south. Horn-E got smart and lingered here because he saw some marks while walking to the start. Right ON as the trail took a quick loop across the street and headed south leaving Horn-E in front. Forget that. Licker Leash, O’Shitty Runch, and Tampon Tampoff quickly passed him. Where were the other FRBs? Shortcutting already? Turning west at 14th St. we had a quick Back Check and about ten of us ran south in an alley. Just before the end of the alley was a short trail between two buildings and a Check at the end. North wasn’t On and soon we heard a On call from Licker Leash to the east. So, what was left of the pack followed as we headed into a section along the tracks of new housing and town houses etc. We followed to the south and suddenly through a tunnel and then some ramps heading up to an overpass over the tracks. Here was the T/E Split. The turkeys stayed on the overpass and followed it down to ground level and then headed south. The eagles ran down a platform to the south, off the end, across the tracks and back north along an access road. Horn-E spotted this and took a shortcut through the fences that were everywhere to try to catch the Eagles. After a block or so, we had to flip a high fence and run west to the first street. Here trail went up to the tracks above and a train was going by. Suddenly Horn-E spotted the FRBs coming down from the tracks across the street. This had them in a loop around a fence and Horn-E was in front momentarily until Licker Leash passed him. Again. There were six of us as we ran to the south and then west under the El tracks and south a to a Check at State and Cullerton. Suddenly there were a lot more hashers around, checking? Oh yeah. the short cutters from the beginning. Trail was found to the west and we were off and running. After yesterdays marathon two hour hash, Horn-E was running slow and could barely keep track of the FRBs running south and east. Supposedly they ran up some steps at McCormack Place and through the building. By the time Horn-E got there, they were out of sight and he couldn’t find any marks. He went past the trail heading south all of the way to 25th and didn’t see anyone or any marks. So He returned, looking everywhere and all of the way to about 17th St and that tunnel again. This time he looked for the Turkey trail and lost it also. Rumor has it that the trail went under McCormack Place and to some steps to where the two trails merged. From here they headed along lake front paths to the north. Rumor also has it that Beer Spill Valdez got stopped by security along here and was delayed for about fifteen minutes. “I’m sorry sir, I was out jogging and I got lost. Where is the jogging path?” “Dressed like that? Hey buddy, let’s see some I. D.” It helps to actually be running, and in jogging pants, and a T-Shirt when stopped by rent a cops and using that jogging excuse. All right, I’m picking on him. At least he was still on trail. Meanwhile Horn-E ran under Lake Shore Drive and tried to pick up on trail. Ran east and then north then he found a Triple Split. Unfortunately this was off of a Check and by the time he found that out, he was at the east end of the area and going around this hideous building that looked like a huge commode. He envisioned the outgoing Mayor, sitting on top of it with his pants around his knees and doing it one last time to and on Chicago. What a huge A.. …. to dump all of that S… on Chicago. But I digress. After that Horn-E went around the Museum and to the Roosevelt tunnel. Still no marks under the tunnel so he just headed back to the bar. Meanwhile the pack was over by the Aquarium overlooking the lake and the beautiful skyline to the north and drinking beer. And the chivalrous pair of 10 K Tika Ho and Licker Leash went back of trail with a beer for the missing Horn-E.
Beer Spill Valdez called a circle together and we went through the usual multiple down downs for the hares and Beer Stop Valdez for losing track of what he was doing and had already done. The Dark Kunt was FBI “Because I can.” and was called out frequently for numerous offences and did all sorts of dances for us until O’Shitty Runch ringed her. We had two virgins on this trail, Just Katie and Just Mitch who both left before the circle. Didn’t someone tell them what the $8 was for and included beer after the run?
Who else was on trail? Lifa, Ass Capades, Pool Job, Soul Taco, Mouthful Of Meat, Darkside Of The Poon, Chicken Stifer, Just Kevin, and Happy Ass Grabber. There were four House Puppies, including Ice Princess who is in training for an Iron Man (Keep it up), and Sin Calzones, and Crop Duster and a very late arriving Mudsucker.