The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash 6 Jun 2011 by Horn-E
The bar was picked by Lifa, The Piano Man. They are normally closed on Mon. Lifa called the owner and set it up to be open for us with $5 pitchers. So far, so good. But somewhere between what Lifa thought we were getting and what the bartender delivered, there was a loss of communication. Shit happens. She opened about 2PM or there about and her shift ended by 8:30 or there about. When the visitor Pied Piper arrived, he talked to her and told her what we were doing. She asked when we would be back. About 9PM. She told him she would be closed. This was relayed to our GM, SnatchSquatch, but he believed we were covered. We weren’t. We learned at the beer stop that the bar was closed already. What? Panic. A phone call was made and Its Too Soft opened his rooftop deck to the hash for the On In, over a mile away. Thanks.
But, lets not get ahead of ourselves. I counted 29 trail hounds at the start that included five virgin hounds. Lifa road up on a bike, just as we were about to start. Trail headed north for a block and then through an alley as we worked our way over to Irving Park and our first Check. O’Shitty Runch was soon On to the west and we quickly started heading south and further west through local streets and alleys and staying relatively close together with the left, right course slowly heading into a big loop. We did have a big re-group at Lincoln and Melrose at a Check giving me a chance to catch up and actually start checking. Naturally I was in the wrong direction when trail was found in an alley heading west. That was the last I saw of Pied Piper who never made the beer stop. I saw the pack already coming south to Melrose and headed straight west on Melrose and under the tracks where the pack headed south. Two blocks later, we looped back to the east and I was able to give SnatchSquatch a little, all right, very little, short cut. Again we regrouped at Belmont and Paulina. And just as I arrived, hashers started heading south, but no one was really calling On. So Horn-E headed into a parking lot and worked his way south looking for marks. None. But now the pack was finally calling On heading south and Horn-E emerged through a school yard at Barry where Just Adriana was running by. We headed east to Ashland and caught a light and regrouped. Headed further east and north through some alleys. Horn-E was following, it seemed like all day, Mouthful Of Meat and The Dark Kunt when they avoided the alley. Finally catching and passing them he headed north in an alley with Magnetic Muff trying to keep the fading pack in sight. We headed east on Melrose and finally regrouped again at Halsted. Trail went through a parking lot, at least the short cut did and down an alley where we finally came to Broadway. This is where I finally figured out that we were going to the park for a beer stop. and there was those same two bimbos, tied at the hip, The Dark Kunt and Mouthful Of Meat, again ahead of me and walking with SnatchSquatch. Horn-E just ran right on by, smelling that beer. And at Sheridan, we headed right through the tunnel to a beer stop at the playground. And in that heat, we needed that.
But not everyone made it there and some found the bar and it being closed. Like I said earlier, the cell phones were blazing. Cell phones are to hashing like paint by numbers is to art. While straightening out this mess, somewhat, and getting a nice On In venue, if we didn’t have them and returned to find the bar closed, we’d have just gone to another bar. Hashers make it work. Cell phones just take away some of the spontaneity of hashing and fuck ups. Somehow, it loses something. According to Pied Piper, he managed to talk the bartender into letting him in for a quick one. But she had closed the bank and was closed. A bunch of us headed off to Its Too Soft’s roof top. Horn-E and Just Tim, a virgin from Hammond headed off on a short cut heading for Binny’s for beer, while the rest of the back headed south in the park.
Some went back to the bar to get cars and bags. Pied Piper told me he went by Chicken Stifer at his shag wagon and he wouldn’t tell him where we were going. Huh. But he got the address and actually ran into Horn-E and Just Tim walking down the street and we directed him. When we got to the roof, we were first with beer and about ten thirsty hounds were waiting. Soon more beer arrived and all was now good. Beer Spill Valdez led us in a circle and called in the hare, again and again. Its Too Soft was called in. But really, he deserves thanks for providing a last second back up. Thanks. Horn-E asked everyone to help clean up, because this wasn’t his party and shouldn’t be his job. Pool Job did a good job of helping Horn-E and Horn-E carried six beer containers down to the trash filled with empties. The Virgins were called out and included Just Tim, Just Annie, Just Davis, Just Carolyn and Just Curt. For some reason they also called Just Adriana out. She lost her virginity at the Moon Hash on Sat. But she was new to these hounds. Unfortunately, Just Tim had to leave right away to catch a train and we can only hope he will return. Not all trails get screwed us and he should get more beer time next time. And to all of the virgins, please return often and try some of the other hashes in town also. And Mouthful Of Meat is leaving Chicago for Portland. We wish her well.
Who else made it on trail, Fistful Of Pricks, R-Tard-E, Darkside Of The Poon, Licker Leash, Bang Me Blow Me Get Me Off, Cum In My Ass Fault, Taste The Rainbow, Four Finger Discount, Are They Real, Ass Capades, Just Nancy, Crop Duster and Or G. Besides Its Too Soft who opened his house, we had one other House Puppy, Tampon Tampoff.
The Tale of the Trail