Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1673

Chicago Hash 7/24/10
Hares: It’s Too Soft and Just Rita plus troops
Venue: Old Party Central

Hashers: Rotten Whore, Just Jonathon, Soul Taco, LIFA, Asscapade, Back Door Bizzle, Salty Gash, Where is the Sausages, Crop Duster, Sin Calzones, Just Cindy, Just Do Me Slowly, Bubbles, Iron Maiden, Vote for Pedro, Disco Balls, R-Tard-E, Chicken Stiffer, Just Lauren, Fall on my Wood, Just Chuck, Just Tony

Total = 25

The hash on Saturday was a continuation of the Last Saturday of the month hash started two years ago to accommodate hashers who couldn’t run on Monday nights in the summer. It has been a great success with usual attendance around 25-30 hashers on Saturdays and this year has been no exception. The day started off ominous with thunder and lightening hitting the area all thru the night. Many areas were flooded and some of our racist hashers like Soul Taco, Just Cindy, and Crop Duster had their race cancelled on them so they showed up to the hash. Our host for today It’s Too Soft laid a trail that was tough and shitty for all. We did the little chalk talk thingy in the front yard and were off east down Fullerton, but we quickly crossed the street to the south and ran through the DePaul neighborhood shouting and blowing our whistles as we went. Just Jonathon was leading at this point with Chicken Stiffer. We came to a check at Belden and Fullerton and Just Jonathon went south, I went east with LIFA and true trail went north and then back east past the old Chicken house. Just Cindy, Soul Taco, and Crop went north at a check on Orchard and they were on, luckily for most of the pack the FRB’s were on a circle jerk and everyone got caught back up with the FRB’s and LIFA regained FRB status. We kept running towards the lake and Asscapade caught up with me near Diversey and Broadway where trail again went northwest towards the lake. LIFA, Asscapades, Vote for Pedro and I got down to the driving range and we had a check. Vote for Pedro found trail running behind an apartment building and we ran back west over Sheridan and up to Broadway. Here there was another check and I went west and saw Rotten Whore running back but we got lucky finding marks across the street and the trail lead to Ruji’s Foofdeck for the beer stop.
We had beer on the roof and finally started worrying about our virgin hasher from Atlanta. The last time we saw him was at DePaul and when he showed that’s when he said he got lost. We made it back to Old party central and Just Tony got going cooking the RIBS and CHICKEN. Chicken ran circle and gave out punishments to SOUL TACO and JUST CINDY for trying to run 10-mile race in the morning. Back Door Bizzle received a down down for dragging around a bitch on trail. IT’s Too Soft got numerous accusations for being the hare. We welcomed LIFA back from interhash and gave reboots like JUST DO ME and Salty a round of joyous songs for their drinking pleasure. People were more worried about food like R-Tard-E so we closed circle after 50-songs and ate RIBS And CHICKEN all nightlong wish you could have been there!!!

Chicken Stiffer

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1648

Feb. 28, 2010

Chicago Hash #1648
VENUE: Claddagh Ring with an ON AFTER PARTY to watch USA vs Canada Hockey

HARES: Slippery Box and Half-Fag
VISITORS: It’s Too Soft- Waukesha
HASHERS: LIFA, Chicken Stiffer, Poultry F*cker, Just Kelsey, Smell This, Cunt and Pasties, Just Allison, Uploader, Cornstar, Just Mike, Just Rob, Mouthful of Meat, Virgin Banger, Tinkle Trotsky, Just Sue, Crop Duster, Hot Pants, R-Tard-E, Wrapper Snatcher, Just Willow


The week of hashing started off right with Wednesday Drinking practice and 11 hashers getting together to watch the Russian-Canada hockey game. Snatchsquatch, Beer Spill, Chicken Stiffer, Asscapade, Tinkle Trotsky, Cornstar, R-Tard-E, Half-Fag, Just Kelsey, Odor Eater, and Poultry F*cker came together and saw Russia get crushed. The Funniest thing that night was watching Beer Spill Valdez rub his eye after eating a chicken wing with hot sauce. That was not a good idea and caused him to cry for the next hour plus almost as if he had been tear gassed. Later that night the CH3 hashing trivia team “America, Fuck YA!!!” won first place and $50 in free booze from the LIONS HEAD PUB!!!
Sunday we had 23 hashers show up to take part in the hash and then watch USA vs Canada hockey game. Many couldn’t believe at the end of the game that it was only 5 pm having put in a 4-mile run and then they watched a great Olympic hockey game. Our Hares today SLIPPERY BOX and HALF-FAG put down the trail marks. We started promptly at 11:34 am with POULTRY F*CKER trying to elbow me out into Foster Avenue to gain the lead. She along with JUST ALLISON, running with her hands down her pants to keep warm, were the leaders of the hash. We ran around an alley and out to Western Ave. where we found a split. I went north and was on crossing Western Ave. only to find a well-intended back check around the building on the corner. The pack went west here but one smart hasher named TINKLE TROTSKY (yes that is how you spell her name) went back east across Western Ave. and found trail. We ran back east and wound our way thru some apartment buildings again came to Western Ave. and crossed the street. The trail again crossed back over Western Ave. with CHICKEN STIFFER in the front finding trail around a funeral parlor. POULTRY F*CKER, CORNSTAR, and MOUTHFUL of MEAT joined forces and found trail running parallel to the cemetery east. The spry gazelle named SMELL THIS in his bright green jacket took the pack past the lumberyard and industrial park near Ravenswood Metra line but couldn’t keep up with the hasher UPLOADER. We came to a check and CHICKEN and VIRGIN BANGER ran back under the tracks thru a pedestrian walk way to the west side of the tracks and were back on trail. The hares tried to be sneaky here by only putting down marks after the pack had past but that didn’t fool JUST ALLISON and LIFA who cut trail to Foster Ave. by Big Joe’s turtle races. We came to a check here yet again and LIFA and SMELL THIS found trail going around Amudsen High School, but VIRGIN BANGER called the rest of the pack to follow him thru the park to his house because the beer stop was at his place, where we saw baby PIPER, RENTA and a dog named ZOOIE??
The beer stop was over in ten minutes and we ran back to the bar and enjoyed $6 pitchers of beer and many ordered a pizza or two for the upcoming game. HALF-FAG ran circle punishing JUST ALLISON and VIRGIN BANGER for being the FRB’s (Note JUST ALLISON raised her arms in rocky style when she got to the beer stop first!!!) LIFA drank for getting his first piece of hate mail for moving the hash to 11 am and became an official member of the CH3 MM. Our DFL was ITS TOO SOFT who showed up late again for another hash and ran with his backpack the whole trail. Finally HALF-FAG closed circle and we got the LCD projector ready to watch the game on a 70+ inch screen. We wish the US TEAM could have won but we saw an exciting overtime game!!! THE CH3 also OFFER CONGRATULATIONS to SMELL THIS and CUNT AND PASTIES on their engagement!!!!!!!!!!


Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1647

Feb. 21, 2010

Chicago Hash #1647
VENUE: Red Line Tap with an ON AFTER PARTY at Poultry F*cker’s place to watch USA vs Canada Hockey

HARES: Hoosier Daddy and Dingo
VIRGINS: Just Kelsey
VISITORS: It’s Too Soft- Waukesha
HASHERS: Horn-E, LIFA, Slippery Box, Muffin the Mule, Bloody Thighs, Just Cindy, Woody Wood Whacker, Cornstar, Just Valinda, Chicken Stiffer, Crop Duster, Just Mike, Just Lydia, Milk My Yak, Barks on all Fours, Just Gavin, Half-Fag, Tinkle Trotsky, Mouthful of Meat


The weather cooperated and we had no rain, sleet or snow until 6 pm well after the hash. The trail was set by HOOSIER DADDY, and his minion DINGO. HOOSIER DADDY laid arrows on trail while DINGO put down little doggie land mines for us to follow. We had a quick chalk talk with statements made about rules? And standard marks? The pack was off and I led SLIPPERY BOX to my car to dump her bags in my trunk but since there was a mark right at my car we were still on. WOODY WOOD WHACKER found a check and went north while LIFA and I went west. I found a mark turning back south and LIFA didn’t follow, big mistake for him because he was on his own the rest of the trail. The pack soon followed along with the short cutting HORN-E and we ran south to Pratt where another check was found by the pack. JUST MIKE found a faded trail in an alley HORN-E already checked and I called for the pack to follow us, making HORN-E do a 180-degree turn to find trail again. CROP DUSTER was now up with JUST MIKE AND I and we continued to find trail winding towards the Loyola campus on Broadway. Here again was a check and WOODY WOOD WHACKER really took a wrong turn because JUST MIKE found trail running thru the campus and toward the lake. He along with JUST LYDIA and the virgin, JUST KELSEY were now near the front of the pack with search parties out looking for LIFA. IT’s TOO SOFT then found trail after a split and the pack was running in a steady northern direction.
We soon ran into a BN but that was false trail and had to back track to the split and keep running north and then east to the beer stop on a frozen beach north of the Loyola campus. Here most of the pack including JUST VALINDA, MOUTHFUL OF MEAT and BLOODY THIGHS regained the pack and we all enjoyed some Keystone beer at the B! The pack had a beer or two and then ran back to bar where or RA HALF-FAG was ready to conduct a circle. Accusations were made and JUST KELSEY our virgin was introduced to the hash. Our FRB CROP DUSTER drank along with our DFL LIFA who finally found trail and the beer stop in end. We even said hello to JUST GAVIN one of the youngest hashers on trail and he was even pointing on the circle. JUST CINDY was a reboot along with MOUTHFUL OF MEAT who came out to say hi to our IRAQ bound hasher WOODY WOOD WHACKER. HALF-FAG had us singing swing low and then we waited around drinking the hash cash until 6 pm when the hash was all invited to POULTRY’s place to watch the USA-CANADA HOCKEY game. Present for the ON AFTER were FISTY, SNATCH, R-TARD-E, CHICKEN, SOUL TACO, CROP DUSTER, SLIPERY BOX, HALF-FAG, ITS TOO SOFT, MUFFIN THE MULE, and TINKLE TROTSKY. The funniest part to the night was POULTRY’s cat Frisky would get the courage to come upstairs and see the people but usually at that point the USA would score causing the crowd to scream and the cat to bolt for the basement in a panic. We had pizza and beer and saw a final score USA 5 CANADA 3!!!! See you next week but if the USA is in the gold medal game at 2:15 pm SUNDAY you might not see me.


The Original Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash 21 Feb 2010 by Horn-E
A small pack greeted Hoosier Daddy when he returned from setting trail, but we soon ended up with 19 hounds ready for trail thanks to waiting way past start time. So lets get going and Hoosier Daddy had us outside for a short chalk talk. Actually only 16 hounds would really do trail as Milk My Yak and Barks On All Fours were there with there baby, Just Gavin (Barks and Yaks?). The trail headed south to the corner and a Split and Melvin The Mule and Horn-E headed south. Trail went west on Lunt, rhymes with Paulina. So we circled around and Horn-E found himself paralleling in an alley and back to Lunt and Ashland, Here was a Split and Chicken Stifer headed west. So Horn-E headed south and was right On. But this went to a Check at Morse. Calling the following pack, Horn-E headed further south and at the next block there were no marks. Crossing the street Chicken Stifer ran on by blowing his whistle. But since he was on the west side of the street and the Check was on the east side, did he even know he was at a Check? Horn-E called out and naturally he didn’t answer so he had to wait for two more arrows before he could call to the rest of the pack. And there was another Check at Pratt. Horn-E headed east to a Split and headed south, but never saw the mark on the wet pavement. So he headed east and there weren’t any marks. Returning, Chicken Stifer was suddenly at that corner on Pratt yelling On. Yeah, he came back for the pack. He headed south at a Split at an alley and wasn’t On. Trail headed east into the alley and then south to a Triple split. Trail was to the east and Crop Duster was way out there and as we ran along Melvin The Mule suddenly returned from a Split and led Woody Wood Wacker, Slippery Box and Horn-E south to Albion where we did a short loop under the tracks and south in an alley. Chicken Stifer was apparently ranging again and showed up just as we headed south. At Sheridan we had a Check. This one took a while to solve, at least for the back of the pack. But we were soon off through the north end of Loyola to another Check just outside of the soccer field. Just Kelsey our virgin and her friend Just Lidija were hanging around there Woody Wood Wacker leaped the fence and looked for marks. Chicken Stifer was wandering around, and not On. Horn-E headed east and found nothing. Suddenly the women were heading north and apparently On. Horn-E and Woody Wood Wacker followed and somehow managed to follow as the women joined up with the front pack and we were soon heading east on Farwell to the lakefront and north to a beer stop where they were waiting at a beer stop with Barks On All Fours and Milk My Yak. About five minutes later Chicken Stifer managed to come on in. Another five minutes and the back of the pack arrived, Bloody thighs, Corn Star, Just Valinda, and Mouthful Of Meat. The only one missing was Lifa. Yeah, that Lifa. He missed something and was struggling through the trail on his own.
From here it was a short run/walk back to the Red Line Tap with Just Cindy and more beer.
The beer finally got flowing and Genesis and Tinkle Trotskie arrived to join us. Yeah, Lifa arrived too. Genesis started a circle and Hoosier Daddy got a lot of beer Down Downs. Good thing he had his leg humper to walk him home. That leg humper was all over everyone. We introduced our new virgin, Just Kelsey. Then we called out all of the returning hashers including Woody Wood Wacker, Mouthful Of Meat, Just Mike and Just Lidija. After the circle we hung around a bit, having a good time and suddenly the pack all left to go watch TV. So It was home early after a short On ON. Did I miss anyone. Oh yeah, Its Too Soft taking pictures as usual in the circle.
For you that didn’t know him, Woody Wood Wacker started hashing in Chicago many years back. Went off to serve Uncle Sam and on to college and flight school. He is now on his way to Afghanistan flying a medical evacuation helicopter. Wish him a safe return.

On On

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1646

Feb. 14, 2010- Chinese New Year

Chicago Hash #1646
VENUE: Paulie’s

HARES: Ballsalotpus, Cums in my Assfault, Just Do Me Slowly, Virtually Hung
VIRGINS: Just Zack
VISITORS: Return to Gender, Stairmaster (Madison Hash)
HASHERS: Pink Pantser, Chicken Stiffer, Poultry F*cker, Just Allyson, Just Mike, R-Tard-E, Just Kelsey, Muff in the Mule, Crop Duster, Hoosier Daddy, International Virgin, Snatchsquatch, Cornstar, Just Andy, Just Karla, Stab’em and Slab’em, Mudsucker, Dickens Cider, Just Steve, Just Gene, Slippery Box, Ez on the Ass, Horn-e, Just Suetfei, 69-cent Man, Cuma Slutra, Asscapade, Lifa, Sperm Diversion, Half-Fag, Two Tickets to a Pair Thighs, Glory Hole, It’s Too Soft, Beaver Toe, Bloody Asshole, Fistful of Pricks, Just Melinda, Peterbilt, Ginger Snatch, Half-Masterbator, Sit-n-pee, W’All Bangher, Just I Lean


The Chinese New Year didn’t fall on a cold day in February along with the Super Bowl like it has done the past two years. This year with beautiful weather and great preparation by our hares BALLSALOTPUS, VIRTUALLY HUNG, CUMS in my ASSFAULT, and DO ME SLOWLY we had 50 hashers show up to support and enjoy the New Year!!!! TWO TICKETS showed up and asked me where I had taken the Chicago GM? Guess she doesn’t recognize me with the new beard? Numerous people showed and paid their $8 hash cash and $22 for hashball for $30 total. HOOSIER DADDY, JUST KELSEY, HORN-E, R-TARD-E, JUST SUETFEI, EZ on the ASS, and HALF-FAG have joined 20 others already paid at Hash Ball March 6th for fun and humor!! BALLSALOTPUS again was worried no one was going to show because by 1:50 pm there were only 4 hashers present guess we showed him!!! The last 3 Chinese New Years had been 41, 39, and 40 respectively so we had a 10 person increase a fine tribute to a great event these hares have put together.
VIRTUALLY HUNG conducted the chalk talk under the Dan Ryan and our visitors RETURN TO GENDER and STAIRMASTER got their marching orders along with the pack and we were off. HALF-FAG, SPERM DIVERSION, and EZ? Jumped the fence narrowly missing ripping their sacks open on the high wire fence erected by IDOT to keep people like us out!!! We ran west to Halsted where the pack got completely lost because 69-CENT MAN called ON north on Halsted but was not!!! We also began to hear the mating call of EZ ON THE ASS all day “ARE YOU?”, “ARE YOU?” to which no one really wanted to respond. JUST MIKE and INTERNATIONAL VIRGIN took the pack across some railroad tracks and found two marks but no third. Here CHICKEN went a little east and found marks. LIFA, HALF-FAG and CHICKEN STIFFER broke away from the pack at this point and were the FRB’s on the trail which circled back towards Cermack Road and back under the Dan Ryan but we had to contend with bad marks and faded marks all the way there. IT’s TOO SOFT caught up along with SNATCHSQUATCH but the badly washed out marked trail was hard to follow so CHICKEN found a check with RG? RG? Well I missed chalk talking putting away haberdashery and money so didn’t know it meant Re-group and was out looking for marks when DICKENS CIDER came along with ASSCAPADE and SLIPPERY BOX in tow to the check. Soon the pack was together and followed JUST ALLYSON south across the 22nd bridge to Chinatown area, but not for long until we found another CHECK!!!!!. The partially nude BLOODY ASSHOLE and CROP DUSTER along with CHICKEN found trail going south and then under railroad tracks and over Archer Ave. We wondered around here again confused by the marks but JUST KELSEY and The hasher formerly named MUDSUCKER found tracks under the railroad into Chinatown proper. Here R-TARD-E followed CHICKEN and DICKENS CIDER to a check and again after a bit of ranging off the check we found trail running thru some apartment buildings too the Archer-Cermack corner where basically trail ended because it was wiped out or more rightly stamped out by parade people. It supposedly went down Cermack to the same bridge we crossed before but I was down there with LIFA and we didn’t see anything? The Hare VIRTUALLY HUNG had to point us in the right direction. We re-collected the pack after searching thru some stores and running into a Chinese dragon. We ran west and found a mark after a split but wait that was not the right way. Several hashers at this point just walked back to the bar and enjoyed the Miller High Life keg that was ready for us. Back at the bar FISTY, JUST I LEAN, and HALF MASTERBATOR were waiting for us FISTY having already ran 10 miles today on a training run. I remember those days when I was young and stupid, maybe I’m just stupid now?
The circle was started roughly 15 minutes after the pack got back and HALF-FAG led us. Rightly the hares were punished, punished, and punished some more for the mass confusion, but then they were thanked, thanked, and thanked for the keg of beer and food afterwards. FRB was LIFA? and FBI was GINGER SNATCH. Our DFL’s was HORN-E I think? We brought in our virgin and welcomed our visitors to a Chicago Hash!! HALF-FAG led us thru our traditionally songs, and people were getting Hungry, So we soon got into swing low and then the feeding frenzy Commenced and it was not beer!!!!! but fried rice. While some watched the BLACKHAWKS beat the Columbus Bluejackets in a shoot out!!! COME JOIN US AT GREEN DRESS and HASH BALL!!! MARCH 6th


The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash 14 Feb 2010 by Horn-E The Chinese New Years Hash.

This was Ballsalotapus’s annual thing and he had his usual crew to help, Virtually Hung laying trail, Just Do Me Slowly and Cum In My Ass Fault looking beautiful and helping with decorations and the beer stop. I counted 45 in the circle and that is probably a close count to the actual hounds on trail. We took off to the west. Hey, Chinatown is to the east. At Halsted was a Check. When I got there I saw The 69 Cent Man running north from the Check. Chicken Stifer ran after him and was yelling On. But they weren’t On and a bunch of hashers were following. Trail went west. Now remember, this is a Virtually Hung trail and he twists things around pretty good. And he did. Add that to the fact that we went from white arrows to blue and red flour and things got confused. All day. This pack really seemed confused and looking like a bunch of virgins on trail. Heading west I saw the pack head south and into an alley heading west. Paralleling along and suddenly Genesis is heading my way. Huh!!!. Crossing the street we spotted a Split, coming from the east. but Genesis is leading, coming from the west. Oh Oh. Horn-E went north for a long block and found nothing. Again the pack seemed to just linger and suddenly disappeard to the west. Horn-E went west and nothing after two blocks. Circling back and he saw nothing. Finally he saw the pack, again lingering around, about three blocks to the south. He caught up, just as Dickens Cider, I think, found trail through a field and heading east. But again, nobody seemed to be on and then they were running and then not On. Two Tickets To Pair Of Thighs and SnatchSquatch were seen running through a field and headed south. A block south and again, the back was lingering around again. Two Tickets To Pair Of Thighs and Horn-E headed south off a Triple Split and trail was finally spotted to the east. By the time we got back on trail, the pack was under the Dan Ryan and at another Check. Getting there just in time the pack headed south to an On call from someone. But again we couldn’t seem to find anything and came to a regroup Check. Regroup Check? We were regrouping every two blocks and confused and lost. From here trail headed south to 22nd St. and crossed the river heading east on 22nd Street. Being on the south side of the street as we crossed the bridge, there were no marks there as I followed Bloody Asshole. But someone was on across the street. At Canal was a Triple Split. Again, no one could find anything and finally Bloody Asshole found something to the south and the pack was off again. For about three blocks. Again, we couldn’t find things and we were on and off and on and off before we finally found marks under some tracks and Return To Gender from Madison led us to another Check. Two Tickets To Pair A Thighs found trail to the south. Meanwhile Horn-E and The 69 Cent Man were a block east. We headed south and ran into Dickens Cider saying she was on a Split. Horn-E kept going east to Chinatown. Nothing. Heading north he spotted Just Gene, a transplant to Chicago on his first trail here. We ran through Chinatown to 22nd St. We finally spotted the pack a long block to the west and running parallel. So we crossed 22nd St and headed into the mall area. Now here it gets interesting. We head to the mall and see Cumma Slutra running our way. We head east and around the mall to the north. Hashers everywhere. Genesis, Its Too Soft, Glory Hole, Hoosier Daddy and Ginger Snatch. But no beer stop anywhere near the usual place. They said they were on a Check, so Horn-E circled back through the mall and to the check at Archer and 22nd St. Here he spotted the hare who told him the trail was to the west over the 22nd St. Bridge on the south side of the bridge. Now I crossed there before, and there were no marks. There were now. Horn-E passed Hoosier Daddy and SnatchSquatch and a few others and led them across the bridge. At the far end was a turn north and past a factory and a long block. At the end was a Split. The beer stop was just ahead of the straight mark. But Horn-E spotted a mark to the left arrow. This led to a narrow path between a building and a fence. Horn-E hit some half buried strips of siding under the snow. Bamm, on his ass. But he got up and ran on looking for the next mark. There wasn’t any. SnatchSquatch, Bloody Asshole and a few others were right behind him. Here is where some said, FUCK it and headed back to the bar. Horn-E and Bloody Asshole headed back east and around the other trail looking for a loop from that other mark at the last Split. He was able to spot most of the pack and redirect them back to the Split. Sure enough, a half mile later of running in circles, Bloody Asshole and Horn-E managed to find the beer stop and the rest of the pack. Right around the corner from the last, mis-marked Split. Damn. But we had a quick good beer, poured by the lovely Geishas, or whatever. and we headed back. Even Bloody Asshole, running without a shirt as usual, was getting cold.
Back at the bar we soon circled up and Genesis held a lively circle. We even had a Chinese Fire Drill. Many down downs were given. Bloody Asshole had to do one out of the sleeve. The posers had to come out and drink one and so did our visitors Return To Gender, Stair Master from Madison, Bloody Asshole from Las Vegas, and Beaver Toe from Dallas. Just Andy was a virgin and called out for one. Welcome. After that we had some fried rice and a raffle. Does anyone want a directors cut of a Bruce Lee film? A bunch of us ended up four blocks away for a nightcap or two and then Lifa and Horn-E walked about two miles down town to catch a bus and train home. Good time. While I didn’t get all of the names, let me add these to the story, Stab ’em & Slab ’em, Sperm Diversion, Just Suetfe looking sexy in an Asian outfit, Ass Capades, EZ On The Ass, R-Tard-E, Slippery Box, International Virgin, Poultry Fucker, Crop Duster, Pink Pants’her, Muffin The Mule, and some of the posers were Fistful Of Pricks, Sit In Pee, We’ll Bangher, and Peterbilt. If I didn’t get your name, sorry. Come by at the next big hash and make sure I get it in my book. Please. I really want to mention you all.
On On

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1643

Jan. 24, 2010

Chicago Hash #7,347,732
VENUE: Joe’s on Weed

HARES: Calvin Klein, Batteries not Included
VIRGINS: Just Suetfei
HASHERS: Just Cindy, Odor Eater, Chicken Stiffer, Poultry Fucker, Horn-e, Snatchsquatch, UpLoader, Dickens Cider, Happy Ass Grabber, Hoosier Daddy, Menage A Twat, Ice Princess, Its Too Soft, Half-Fag, Crop Duster, Do Me Slowly, KGB, More Tail, Just Allyson, Glory Hole, Soul Taco, Tinkle Trotsky, One-Handed Typist, Lifa, Just Corey, Asscapade, Fistful of Pricks, Magnetic Muff, Just Becky, Salty Gash


This hash was billed as the Calvin B-day hash and 33 hashers showed up to celebrate Calvin’s 21st birthday, Happy Birthday man. Batteries and Calvin picked a great venue for this run today with $3.75 pitchers of Coors Lite and a private room in the back for the football viewing and auction. The CH3 hash raised $250 on Sunday for the Haiti relief fund nice job donators and donatees!!! What a job by our own Calvin Klein playing the part of the auctioneer!!! I think he might find a job working at Christie’s on the weekend.
Calvin said the trail was shorter than usually, meaning it was not the usually 5+ mile Calvin trail. We did our little chalk talk out front and informed JUST SUETFEI what the marks meant on trial and away we went on trial # 7,567,234? We seem to have skipped a few numbers from last week? The pack took off West and then South down Kingsbury and past the new giant Whole Foods conveniently located across the street from a strip bar. GLORY HOLE led the pack at this point with our virgin leading with him. The pack kept running in a Southeast direction towards the Cabrini-Green projects. Did Calvin run us thru the projects? There was a check on Division and Halsted with two marks running that way but HALF-FAG found the true over the bridge and onto Goose Island. LIFA the latecomer caught up to us by now and started to make a move towards the front of the pack. JUST ALLYSON, DICKENS CIDER, and UPLOADER took the pack thru the winding industrial park but CHICKEN STIFFER found some kind of trial leading toward the railway bridge of the Chicago River branch by North Avenue This bridge has been used many times in trails past, with the 1500th hash being the most memorable when we had to carry LAZY ASS from the Big-Hump over the bridge because he’s in a wheel chair!! . Bringing up the rear at this point were hashers like ITS TOO SOFT, SNATCHSQUATCH and MORE TAIL (where has she been?) MEANGE-A-TWAT used a short cut provided by the hare to shortcut to this point in the trail crossing North Avenue. Trail from here went North on the railroad tracks and then east past the now defunct Sam’s Liquor Warehouse to a check. DICKENS CIDER went North and CHICKEN east she found true trail but he found trail directly east of Clybourn and short cut about ¼ mile from the trail.
The trail ran south on Clybourn and then ran through Crate and Barrel parking lot to end up back at the bar with CHICKEN STIFFER the FRB and UPLOADER and DICKENS CIDER close behind. ICE PRINCESS pulled up at the CVS to buy smokes and KGB again had to stop and deliver a baby on trail this seems to be an every hash occurrence for him. There was no beer stop on trial and the hash got back to the bar to enjoy the cheap pitchers and order food. HALF-FAG ran our circle today using some square cushions to stand-on. SNATCHSQUATCH stood on one and the cushion seemed to shrink by 5 inches afterwards!!! CALVIN was given his birthday down-down and the hares drank continuously throughout the night. Many hashers showed up late like TINKLE TROTSKY or SALTY GASH but we love them just the same. HAPPY ASS GRABBER and HOOSIER DADDY drank for no hash attire and we gave R-TARD-E a down-down for being DFL?? But wait he was in Florida WTF??? HALF-FAG ended the circle and we soon got the auction going. DO I hear $3? The bidding was fast and furious with an AXIS of EVIL shirt with the now defunct MASTERS HASH on it going for $16 I believe!!! CROP DUSTER seemed to be bidding for many of the awesome shirts donated by fellow hashers. The shirt of the night went to ODOR EATER with a big COCK on the front from the Mardi Gras Hash saying ROCK AROUND THE C (L) OCK!!! The auction was interrupted with a pizza and wing order for the hash and then we got right back to it. FISTFUL OF PRICKS was a little distracted from her New Orleans game but it was for a good cause for today, $250 for Haitian relief not bad. Hopefully we will see you next week and nice turn out with 33 hashers showing up to run and donate to a worthy cause!!!


Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1642

Chicago Hash Tale of the Trail
Two Way Lounge


Virgins: Just Tammy, Just George
Visitor: Tranny e Cock-Kicker Cedar Falls Hash

Hashers: Soul Taco, Its too Soft, Fistful of Pricks, Poultry Fucker, Just Kelsey, Half-Fag, Ice Princess, Hoosier Daddy, Horn-e, Dark side of the Pun, Cornstar, Asscapade, Chicken Stiffer, Just Amber

Total hashers- 20

This hash used a bar that long ago, I believe, a hasher named DUDE WHERE’S MY CAR put a check at the front door at the Fullerton entrance and the trail went thru the bar. Today SNATCHSQUATCH and LIFA just had it as the on-in but it did bring back found memories of CHICKEN’s first couple of hashes in 2004. The two hares started with their chalk talk and hashers came out of the wood work. ITS TOO SOFT was dropped off by his mom, JUST RITA. ASSCAPADE showed up with DARK SIDE of the PUN?? Do these people own clocks, cell phones, sun dials??? We run at 2:30 pm every week you slackers.
The chalk talk was done and off we went west on Fullerton quickly taking a turn North with ICE PRINCESS and HALF-FAG in the lead. Soon we all got stopped at check just south Logan Boulevard. I think the pack found a short cut North and Horn-e was off and running back and forth along the Logan Boulevard. DARK SIDE OF THE PUN and I just decided to run directly across the street and we found trail cutting of about 4 blocks of running back and forth. We recrossed Logan and ran thru an alley and Boom a split. This split though pointed two directions and one choice ran out onto Milwaukee Ave. and into a mark but this mark was off a check so it screwed up and split the pack. I think the new pack leader was ICE PRINCESS and HALF FAG. I eventually got back to the check the hares wanted us to find and found CORNSTAR and POULTRY find marks in Logan Square that were left over from the New Years Hash? so not only was the pack confused about the bad split but stray marks from a previous hash. We soon caught up the LIFA the hare sweeping from the front of the pack and dragged TRANNY COCK KICKER along with us on the true trail. The FRB’s were no where to bee seen or more importantly heard. We wound our ways behind churches and things finally ending up running straight east thru Palmer Square till it dead ended at a church.
The pack I guess caught the FRB’s and found trail running south to Armitage turning east again where the was the beer stop. Here we picked up FISTFUL OF PRICKS and SOUL TACO on trail. They were hoarding all the cans of Pabst they could find, and HORN-E was busy trying to recruit the two to lay trail for his moon hash on Monday because it was MLK day? That’s just wrong in so many ways!! Our two virgins JUST GEORGE and JUST TAMMY were happy to be part of the hash today and we had perfect running conditions today? We finished our beers and wandered the Taco Palace heaven back to the bar. (there must have been at least 5-6 Taquieras with in two blocks of the bar. In fact FISTY went out and brought in Mexican food after the circle making us all hungry. Back at the bar we ran into HOOSIER DADDY and JUST AMBER. I was slightly amazed that at such a dive bar pitchers were still $7 a pop but were a rich hash now. See MM notes to get that joke. HALF-FAG ran circle and seems to be filling that role well after taking over from CALVIN KLEIN. Numerous punishments were handed out and the beer flowed with out stopping. The bar even surprised me by lowering the muzac sound and giving us two free pitchers, of beer that is!!!! Well next week we will celebrate the B-day of CALVIN KLEIN and $ 3.75 pitchers of Coor Lite and Joe’s Bar. See you all next week


Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1613

Chicago Hash #1613

HARES: Its too soft and Super Stuf’her
VIRGINS: just Alex, Just Zach
VISITORS: Sour Krotch

HASHERS: Chicken Stiffer, Fistful of Pricks, Batteries not included, Calvin Klein, Motor Whor-a, Mouthful of Meat, just Cari, Peterbilt, R-tard-E, just I Lean, W’all bangher, Sit-n-Pee, Free VD, Crop Duster, Screwunicorn to a dolphin, Ginger Snatch, Uploader, Salty Gash, Asscapades, Just Brad, Hoosier Daddy, Soggy Sparks,

TOTAL HASHERS – 27 Hashers

The hash saw another successful Saturday run, what a beautiful day after a night of thunder, lighting and rain. The hash Saturday saw us invade the house of fuji and this time a keg was ready for us when we showed up for the pre-hash drink, he is finally getting it. SUPER STUF’her laid a trail that ran towards the lake and our good friend FREE VD was sure to be the leader of this pack. We started off going east after we said hi to two virgins JUST ZACH and JUST ALEX. We also saw the return of SOUR KROTCH to the hash. CALVIN made it seem like a Second city hash by bringing his boys to the hash and MOTOR WHOR-A called him out for that later. We had our quick chalk talk and went east following several checks and splits until we came to a check on Clark and Wellington where confusion set in because it seemed there were three marks after this check but no trail? HALF-FAG found trail going east still and we ran on. UPLOADER lead us thru the lake front area with GINGER SNATCH close behind. Eventually the front of the pack rounded out to CHICKEN, HALF FAG and UPLOADER where we found trail running in front of Lincoln Park and then west towards OZ Park. The first beer stop was at the House of SUPER STUF’her and we found our walkers W’ALL BANGher, SOUR KROTCH and SIT-N-Pee waiting for us along with FREE VD. The hares were a little late getting the beer there but it did come and the pack drank.
We left for the second beer stop that was at the OLD party central near the Lincoln Street Fest and the pack got another beer. Finally we ran back to the RUJI’s FOOFDECK and CALVIN Led us in a circle for about 45 minutes when the food was getting done and most were hungry. All hashers then ate grilled chicken or burgers. As fuji said this is one of the best deals your hash money could have provided for. Next month the Saturday hash will be in conjunction with the Greek Town Fest on August 29th, see you then.

CH3-GM Emeritus

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1601

The Tale of the Trail
May 30, 2009
Chicago Hash #1601
VENUE: Casa de Poultry F*cker

HARES: Just Shaina, Poultry F*cker
VIRGINS: Just Jen, Just Maggie
VISITORS: Just Lehka- Sin city, Working Member- CowTown Hash

HASHERS: Chicken Stiffer, Fistful of Pricks, Just Terri, Just Brad, Snatchsquatch, One Handed Typist, Free VD, Motor Whore-A, Lifa, Just Steve, Shiggy Piggy Gang Bang, Stupid Man, Lochness Cockster, Two Tickets to a Pair Thighs, Magnetic Muff, Its Too Soft, More Tail, Virgin Banger, Renta Virgin, Dirty Sanchez (Genesis), Salty Gash, Mouthful of Meat, Ice Princess, Just Jerome, R-Tard-E, Sperm Burb

TOTAL HASHERS – 32 Hashers a cat named Frisky and a dog named Zoe

The first Chicago Saturday hash this year was a smashing success. POULTRY F*CKER opened up her house and allowed 32 hashers to invade it for 5 hours much Like her Co-hare, JUST SHAINA did for us on Thanksgiving Day last year. The hash was greeted with a full keg of 312 Goose Island Beer on her back porch, which many enjoyed a beer or two from before the run commenced at 2:30 pm. The weather was the best the Chicago Hash has had this year. 78-degrees and partly sunny as opposed to partly cloudy. We had two visitors in this day from O-HI-O that were glad we had a weekend Chicago hash because they couldn’t come on Monday. Working Member was from the Cowtown hash and is good friends with Broken Rubber, Pup Tent, and Sausage Stew who visited us last year during POP. We also had Just Lehka in from Sin City, a place some of us will visit on June 19-21st to see the Sox and hash with our regional kennel in Cincinnati, OH. JUST LEHKA brought a Romanian virgin named JUST MAGGIE and WORKING MEMBER brought his sister, a virgin, JUST JEN to run with us too.

Our Hares gave a quick chalk talk and explained the marks to visitors and virgins and then after a 2-minute delay the pack was off. FREE VD, LIFA, and JUST STEVE quickly became the FRB’s of the pack and LOCHNESS COCKSTER quickly joined them at the front of the pack. Trail followed a southerly path meandering here and there until we got to Addison, where we crossed against heavy CUBS traffic going to the 3 pm game. Trail here went west to the corner of Addison and Western where there was a check. The FRB’s got caught in a circle jerk around Lane Tech HS while the back of the pack got the benefit of their trail knowledge allowing ONE HANDED TYPIST, JUST MAGGIE, JUST LEHKA, MAGNETIC MUFF, and JUST BRAD to short cut the circle and run north towards Irving Park thru the WGN studio area.

POULTRY had the back of the pack short cut the trail after FISTFUL of PRICKS lead them on a wild goose chase on a wrong trail but eventually we all made it to the Beer stop in Horner Park near Montrose. Zoe looked like she was dragging VB into the beer stop or was it the other way around? JUST SHAINA and JUST JEROME had beer and water ready for us when the pack came back together. We chatted and drank for about 15 minutes and then we were on out for the keg of 312 at POULTRY’s place. SPERM BURB followed me in and we got the keg re-tapped ready for the pack behind us. FREE VD again was one of the first to make it to the ON-IN where we meet STUPID MAN and MOUTHFUL of MEAT waiting for us.

The Hares were quickly back and JUST JEROME got on the grill cooking some delicious beer brats for us as CHICKEN got the circle going. Our FRB’s were TWO TIKS, LIFA, and FREE VD, or the human gazelle. Our DFL was FISTFUL of PRICKS and our NRB’s were STUPID and MOUTHUL of MEAT. The RA got a huge down-down for great weather and the hares got numerous down-downs for the shitty trail, great food, and bad beer? Obviously we introduced the virgins of today and JUST JEN and JUST MAGGIE did the down-down or in JUST MAGGIE’s case a down-down BJ? ICE PRINCESS was busy swearing of Mothers Milk for the rest of his life during the circle and MOTOR WHORE-A was the beer wench for the day. The food was finally cooked so we closed circle and ate brats, beer, chips, potato salad, and Caesar salad.

After dinner we finally killed the Keg and finally got over to Maifest around 8 pm in Lincoln Square where we exchanged 312 beer for Hofbrau beer for the night. Hopefully next year we will have as good a time as we did this year see you Monday at the B-day hash for Santchsquatch.

CH3-GM Emeritus

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1598


May 11, 2009

Chicago Hash #1598
VENUE: Kelly’s Pub- LIFA’s 1,000 Hash
VIRGINS: Just Pablo, Just Ashley, Just Laurel
VISITORS: Pussy in Boots and Just Norma New York
HASHERS: Just Christine, R-tard-E, Snatchsquatch, Poultry F*cker, Chicken Stiffer, Ice Princess, Just Steve, Horn-e, Fistful of Pricks, Hoosier Daddy, Mouthful of Meat, Hot Pants, Just Willow, Asscapades, Shiggy Packer/Half Fag, Lower Whackoff, Cheesus, Just Job, Ginger Snatch, Just Amy, Calvin Klein, Batteries No Included, Motor Whore-a


The hash was free today for those that showed up to run because LIFA was willing to cover everyone’s hash cash that showed to run his shitty trail. 30 hashers showed up for this memorable LIFA run. ERIN GO BUFF was his co-hare and he had to borrow $20 from me before the hash began to pay for the beer stop. That makes it a net loss for me before I even ran of $12!! Its funny to note that even though I put out that there was free parking under the EL next to the bar that most people choose to park on the street. GINGER SNATCH and JUST AMY two latecomers were the only ones to use the free parking that night and they were then able to catch up with the pack. The hares laid this one live and the beer stop was at the house of CHEESUS where JUST ASHLEY, a virgin, lay in wait to give the pack their beer. WE gave the hares 15 minutes cranium start and they really only needed ten-minutes. While they left we conducted a short chalk talk with our 2 virgins and at the correct time the hash was out.

I stayed behind to guard bags and point latecomers like the above-mentioned GINGER and really latecomers CALVIN and BATTERIES in the right direction on trial. Back at the bar MOTOR WHOR-a showed up and we watched the beginning of what would turn out to be an awesome BLACKHAWKS game before the pack returned to conduct circle.

When the pack did return our FRB was ICE PRINCESS followed in by GINGER SNATCH as our FBI. Kevin Kelly, the owner of the place, treated the pack to a case of Berghoff beer in the back donated to the hash. We also had pitchers of beer for down-downs, which were skillful brought to the circle by HALF FAG and MOTOR WHORE-A or beer wenches for the night. We said hello to JUST NORMA and PUSS IN BOOTS, in from NY, who said they never heard so many songs before in circle. We were kept informed of the Hawks score and knew it was 3-3 after the 2nd period. LIFA was brought in numerous times for his 1000th run and shitty trail but when one hare drank all hares drank so ERIN GO BUFF drank with him. CALVIN got angry at SNATCHSQUATCH because SNATCH accused him of screwing up a song so CALVIN made SNATCH drink but CALVIN had to drink with him because when one RA drink all RA’s drink. JUST CHRISTINE who survived Polish Constitution Day made it for her 2nd hash and even has paid for Memorial Day Hash.

Some reboots that made it out today included LOWER WHACKOFF, JUST AMY, GINGER SNATCH, HOT PANTS, and CHEESUS. BATTERIES birthday is this week and she turns 21 and can finally drink legally with the hash. Finally we did get around to JUST PABLO, JUST LAUREL, and JUST ASHLEY our virgins for the night. We welcomed them and they seemed pleased with the events that took place this night. MAKE sure you sign up for the Chicago Hash #1600!!! Eventually the circle ended and most ran inside to catch the end of the hawk’s game, which we now know, ended in a 7-5 score with the Hawks winning.

After the game, a circle was reconvened with the intention of naming JUST GENESIS, HALF FAG, SHIGGY PACKER, Shiggy Shagger (in Horn-e’s write up from red dress), so many names for one hasher. CH3 hashers for the last couple of weeks have been asking to rename him because people who didn’t even know him at a Moon Hash named him, and they wanted to be involved in the naming process. He also was named due to an incident that took place on a CH3 trail so we took a quick vote from those present like ICE PRINCESS, SALTY, MOTOR, SNATCH, ASSCAPADE, CHICKEN, FISTFUL of PRICKS, MOUTHFUL of MEAT, and HOOSIER DADDY, and the vote was unanimous in favor of renaming him. JUST GENESIS was also in favor of being renamed in the CH3 hash, why he was named at the moon hash in the first place, no one knows? Suggestions of Half Fag, velicaraptor, t-rex, sideways cocksucker were suggested but ultimately JUST GENESIS is now “SCREWUNICORN to a DOLPHIN,” Good luck with that one!

Next week the hash will be at “THE SPOT” and hared by visitors PIED PIPER and SKUNK CHASER from KC. The Spot is near the corner of Broadway and Montrose.


Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1597

May 4, 2009

Chicago Hash #1597

VENUE: Red Apple
HARES: Cuma Slutra, 69-Cent Man, Virgin Banger
VIRGINS: Just Mike, Just Margaret, Just Christine, Just Nick, Just John

HASHERS: Just Kip, Just Steve, Are They Real, Horn-e, Ice Princess, Half Fag, Asscapade, Erin Go Buff, Lifa, Motor Whore-a, Mount Schwiiiinga, Just Wotk, Just Lech, Just Walter, Just Joe, Just Joel, W’all bangher, Just Dave, Mouthful of Meat, Salty Gash, Peterbilt, Poultry F*cker, Renta Virgin, Ernest Cummingway, Bloody Thighs, Just Shania, Snatchsquatch, Fistful of Pricks


Today was the annual Polish Constitution Day hash. Milwaukee and Belmont were still recovering from the actually celebration of this event over the weekend when the CH3 came to this neighborhood. 69-CENT MAN, VIRGIN BANGER, and CUMA SLUTRA were our hares of record. The trail laid was a pretty familiar one if you have run this neighborhood before. We based by the major points of interest Churches, bars, houses, etc. and had to endure the markings of 69-Cent man to get to the on-in. FRB’s today were CHICKEN and LIFA but they were helped by HALF-FAG, ERIN GO BUFF, and HORN-E today thru most of the trail. Our DFL’s who didn’t see the 7 pm sharp start time were JUST DAVE and W’all BANGHER. Sounds like JUST DAVID will be leaving soon and make his way back to France. He will miss the best part of Chicago….SUMMMER! !!!

Their was nothing too memorable about trail except for the Drunk Guy in the beginning that BLOODY THIGHS stepped on or 69-CENT MAN trying to get the back of the pack to do the circle jerk portion of the trail or MOTOR WHORE-A and her Penis whistle or ASSCAPADE wearing the only none red shirt in the place or the Absence of Ruji or MOUNT SCHWIIIINGA announcing POP as June 18 or PETERBILT showing up or JUST KIP, STEVE, JOEL running the 2nd CH3 hash or SCHWIIIINGA running for more food when they were going to close the buffet or ICE PRINCESS showing up late and selling CUBS tickets for $5 or HORN-E cornering another virgin or did I say PETERBILT showing up, so actually NOTHING EVENTFUL happened at this hash, what a bummer!!

The hash shut down a little earlier than usual because the restaurant had to close by 10 pm so SNATCH, MOTOR, FISTY, POULTRY, ICE-ICE BABY and I went to relax for another beer before we went home to bed. Next week the hash returns to the lovely confines of Lincoln Park at Kelly’s Pub. ERIN go BUFF will be our hare with LIFA weather outlook looks good for running so I will see you there unless I see you at RED DRESS first!!