Hash Trash: 11/25/07
Hares: Super Stuffer & Just Steve
Venue: O’Lanagan’s – 2335 W. Montrose Ave
Virgins: 3 (or was it 4? – hey, am I a great scribe or what!)
Visitors: 1 (2, if you think CP is a visitor)
Hashers: A bunch of ‘em including Canned Pussy, Magnetic Muff, Special Ed Giver, Sir Poops a Lot, Lifa, Virtually Hung, Pack ‘er Ass, Just Saud, Happy Ass Grabber, General Ass Pounder, Just Tyrone, Just Melissa, Wall Bang Her, Just Tom, Just John, Just Jennie, Just Steve, Super Stuff `er and probably a few others that aren’t written on this torn paper plate I’m reading from.
A double-virgin haring? We all cringed at the start, knowing that the result would be at least one of:
1. The on-out being too close to the on-in, causing the pack to skip 90% of the trail.
2. The hares using “cute” trail markings that no one can understand and thus causing the pack to skip 89% of the trail.
3. The marks being so small/infrequent/ hidden/hard- to-see that the pack will give up and miss 88% of the trail.
4. The hares deciding on the theme of “we’re going to make this the longest hash run ever” causing everyone but Happy Ass Grabber to take a taxi to the finish.
Or worse yet…
1. The bar wouldn’t tolerate our antics.
2. The beer would be shitty/warm/ expensive.
Amazingly none of this happened, and even more amazingly the trail was actually damn good. Super Stuff `er started us off by providing the chalk talk while being chastised by the circle for not being explicit enough for the virgins. We were warned that this was an ADD run, and that if we found ourselves on the trail without chalk marks, we should follow shiny objects instead.
After the usual introductions, we spotted our first shiny object (aluminum foil) on a tree across the street in Welles Park and soon thereafter found the first check. Virtually Hung quickly figured it out and led us north toward Lawrence Ave. We veered west and proceeded to make something like 11 left turns in a row, covering every inch of street, alley and parking lot available. Crossing the river on Wilson, a check mixed up the pack for a few minutes, but 50~60 chalk arrows were finally found on the Lawrence Bridge bringing us to the beer stop at the hare’s mother’s house. There was a beer cooler and a couple dozen beer bottles on the back deck, along with a woman looking out the window with a “what have you freaks done to my son” look on her face. The pack guzzled nectar in the cold and endured a 1/2 mile run back to the on-in. Well done hares.
The stand-in RA was Virtually Hung, and he dispensed a bunch of well-deserved down-downs of which I have no recollection because I was very busy talking and interrupting the circle. What I do recall is the complete absence of mismanagement members. What could have happened? Did they move the hash to Saturday and not tell anyone? Did the CH3 corporate jet go down while en route to another junket in Indy/Cincy/Big Hump/Madison/ Waukesha? Assuming that the later was most likely the case, a new mismanagement was immediately installed:
Grand Mistress: Cunt & Pasties
Hare Razer: Super Stuff `er
Haberdasher: Sir Poops a Lot
Religious Adviser: Just John
Hash Cash: Bloody Thighs
Web Master: Horn-E
Hash Flash: Wall Bang Her
Hash Scribe: Lifa
Hash Sex Therapist: Magnetic Muff
Hash Human Shield: EZ on the Ass
Hash Belligerence Consultant (emeritus): Boner Malfunction
I believe C & P will be conducting her first mismanagement meeting next Sunday, but it’s hard to read the date through the grease mark on this plate.
[Editor’s Note: Thanks to the “replacement players” for keeping this week’s hash going.
Rumours of a coup have been greatly exaggerated. In fact, the CH3 Mismanagement Dassault Falcon 9x Jet has returned safely from Yangon where the Generals of Myanmar kindly hosted seminars on “How Run A Tighter Ship In You Junta”, “Quashing Pesky Democratic Idealism”, “How to Knit Nice Tea Cosys For the Holidays From Lightly Used Buddhist Monk Vestments” and “Without Constant Vigilance, Even Your Team Could Be Upset By the Chicago Bears”. Expect business as usual next week.]