CH3 #1524

Chicago Hash #1524 @ Morgan’s: Pre-Christmas / Chicken Stiffer Birthday Hash

Chicken Stiffer
Venue: Morgan’s Bar & Grille – 1325 S. Halsted St.
Chicago, IL 60607, 312-243-4800
Hash Cash: $6

Somebody please take some pix of this event as the Fujirazzi will be running with the Philly Hash over Christmas weekend.

View Larger Map

The Chicago Hash will leave the greatly overhashed Lincoln Park area on Sunday and head (who said head?) South to the UIC are Morgan’s Bar and Grill on Maxwell Street.

Come out and celebrate our GM Chicken Stiffer’s Golden Anniversary of his 21st Birthday and the fact there are now coal seams in Western China younger than he is. Actual birthday is earlier in the weekend so there may be Friday night pre-lube festivities also. Since his birthday is right next to Christmas, he’s been getting “combined” birthday & Christmas presents for years and is very bitter about it. Come out and see a long, bitter trail set by a very bitter hare!

Neighborhood: Little Italy/University Village

Environmentally-Friendly Public Transit ?
From Lincoln Park/Lakeview: Red Line to North/Clyborn, Halsted 8 bus South to Maxwell St.
From Wicker Park/Bucktown: Blue Line to Grand/Halsted Milwaukee, Halsted 8 Bus South to Maxwell St.

Driving ?
Hop into your hooptie and cruise to Halsted & Maxwell. Parking is not bad a block or so off of Halsted either direction. Obviously away from UIC (South, East) is better.

CH3 #1523

Chicago Hash #1523 – Post Anthrax Hannukah Hangover Hash @ Hidden Shamrock

Hare(s): Fluffer from Sin City
Venue: Paddy Long’s – 1028 W. Diversey (just West of Diversey & Sheffield and the now-closed Diversey Brown Line Stop)
Hash Cash: $6

Includes short trail, beers, and NFL Football!!! Bears get their butts kicked Monday night so lots of other games to watch on the Telly.

A-B-C Trail. Fluffer from Sin City has graciously volunteered to lay trail for us so we’re continuing the CH3 tradition of bringing hashing to trendy/upscale Lincoln Park/Lakeview bars and this week we check out Paddy Long’s (the old Lawry’s Tavern).

NOTE 11am START time so visitors can catch their trains, Megabuses, etc or get a jump on weekend traffic.

Okay so actual Hannukah ended on 12/12 but the theme gives us such great alliteration!

Environmentally-Friendly Public Transit ?
From Lincoln Park/Lakeview: Red Line to Fullerton, hoof it four blocks North to Diversey and head West on Diversey 1/2 block. Or just walk a few blocks from home.
From Wicker Park/Bucktown: Blue Line to Belmont, Belmont #77 bus East to Sheffield, schlep four blocks South to Diversey, 1/2 block West to bar.

Driving ?
Hop into your hooptie and cruise to Diversey & Sheffield. Find parking by meters or side streets. It’s Sunday so you don’t have to feed most of the meters around there but check to be sure.

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1522

Hash Trash: 12/14-15/07 ANTHRAX HASH
Hares: Calvin Klein, Super Stuffer, Chicken Stiffer
Venue: Hidden Shamrock —-> Zoo ——> Redmond’s
HASHERS- 114 HASHERS NEW RECORD!!!

HASHERS It’s too Soft – Chicago H3 Hazmat HARE!
Chicken Stiffer – Chicago H3 HARE & GM!
Calvin Klein – Chicago H3 HARE
Super Stuffer – Chicago H3 HARE
Are They Real – Chicago H3
Just Alex – Chicago H3
Salty Gash – Chicago H3
PackHer Ass – Chicago H3
69-cent man – Chicago H3
Milk My Yak – Chicago H3
Barks On All Fours – Chicago H3
Ballsalotpus – Chicago H3
Just Angelle – Chicago H3
Just Steve – Chicago H3
Just Saud – Chicago H3
Spotted Cock – Chicago H3
Lifa – Chicago H3
Mouthful of meat – Chicago H3
Batteries Not Included – Chicago H3
Just Esther – Chicago H3
W’all Bangher – Chicago H3
Anal Assault – Chicago H3
Mt Schwiiinga – Chicago H3
Just Molly – Chicago H3
Just Jonathan – Chicago H3
Anal Assualt – Chicago H3
Stab’em * Slab’em – Chicago H3
The Grrreat Loch Ness Cockster – Chicago H3
Just Allison – Chicago H3
Just Rob – Chicago H3
2 Tickets 2 a Pair o Thighs – Chicago H3
Just Tyrone – Chicago H3
Sperm Diversion – CH3
Odor Eater – Chicago H3
Rotn’ Whore – Chicago H3
Just Pat – Chicago H3
Just Tom – Chicago H3 Just Katherine – Chicago H3
Flying Hooters – Chicago H3
Virtually Hung – Chicago H3
C*nt & Pasties – Chicago H3
One-Handed Typist – Chicago H3
Magnetic Muff – Chicago H3 Mudsucker – Chicago H3
Just Jenny – Chicago H3
Just Allyson – Chicago H3
Just Darin – Chicago H3
Just Robyn – Chicago H3 Ram Van Thank You M’am – Thirstday H3
Just Caroline – Thirstday H3
Chicago H3 Alumni-
Canned Pussy – Somewhere in DC
Smell This – New York H3Rhotan – Second City HHH

Grass On the Infield – Waukesha H3
Floundering Ass Plant – Waukesha H3
Grizzly Sodoms – Waukesha H3
Hand Solo – Waukesha H3
Just Kristen – Waukesha H3
Copulator!! – Waukesha H3
Creamin’ & Screamin – Waukesha H3

Mount Van Tramp
Dribbles In- Madison H3
Trailer Trash
Return to Gender – Madison H3
ZamBoner – Madison H3
Different Strokes- Madison H3
Himalayme – Madison H3
Eggbeater – Madison H3 Scratch & Sniff – Kenosha
Stupid Man – Kenosha Oral Persuasion – Indyscent HHH Ash Cache B’gash – Hoosier H3
Vazeliney Greazy Beaver – Hoosier H3 Cliff BangHer – Big Hump
Burning A$$hole – Big Hump
Hummers Para Libre – Big Hump
Dos HiXXies – Big-Hump H3
Flossit w/a Faucet – Big Hump!
Sexorcist – Big-Hump H3
Do My Butt!! – Big-Hump, I Have a Dick – Big-Hump H3
GladHeAteHer – Big Hump H3 Lock Nut Monster – Big Hump H3
Strap-On Strap-Off – Big Hump
Dead Squirrel – Big Hump
PMS – Big Hump
Postage Tramp – Big Hump Horny Again – Sin City H4
The Unalicker – Sin City H4
Fluffer – Sin City H4 Pornogenic – Bell Scott
2 F*ck Canuck – Bell Scott Laa-Laa – Carolina Trash H3 / Big Hump H3
Rambutt – Every Day is Wednesday
Slowman – Baltimore
Roll On – Baltimore
Amelia Airhead – BH3
A Salt My A$$ – EWH4 DC
Hot Lips – Grand Rapids GM
Sour Balls- Second city,
Assflac,
Sex Luthor CH3,
Man O Whore CH3,
Happy Ass Grabber,
Breakfast, Last Hole,
Just Pamela,
Just Robyn,
Just Steven,
Just Pamela,
Just Caroline,
Breakfast,
Last Hole,
and a few unnamed hashers

VIRGINS= 10
VISTORS= 54
TOTAL HASHERS= 114

Well it’s been about a week and I have finally begun to recover from last weekend. First I would like to say thank you to all of you who showed up. You are part of the largest hash Chicago has seen to date with 114 hashers being part of this 6th annual Anthrax. We thank all the hashers in Chicago who showed up to put forth such a great event. We also thank all of the visitors who made it here and hope you had a blast. Personally I would like to thank Its Too Soft, Calvin, Batteries, Super Stuffer, Mouthful of Meat, and T-shirt woman Mount Schwiiinga who played key parts in making this weekend a fun successful time.

The weekend started off with a bang Friday night with the Pub Crawl. People couldn’t believe that in Chicago you can get free beer? The Big-Humpers showed up with their traditional Chicago slam T-shirt made by DMB. CLIFF BANGHER was soon out of the shirts and people like HORNY AGAIN were begging for SEXORCIST, I HAVE A DICK and HUMMERS PAR LIBRES t-shirts right off their backs. The night stared off well with us meeting up with the group of Victoria Secret models that we got to come out on the pub-crawl. We left the first bar fully tanked with free beer. We crawled with ITS TOO SOFT and others around the Lincoln Park neighborhood. We even meet up with SMELL THIS later that night but not before MILK MY YAK and I had to carry home SO SO a Big hump hasher that could not handle her liquor and wound up face down in the bar at the end of the night. We went back to the bottle bar and finished our evening there.

The Next day we say Mother Nature lay down a perfect snowfall. The trail was soon covered in fresh snow so SUPER STUFFER went back out and re-laid trail what a trooper. The pack was fully beered up at the traditional start of the Anthrax hash at the HIDDEN SHAMROCK. The pack took off from the school around the corner where we had circle in peace and quit. The pack was soon off but detoured to FUJI’s old place where RHOTAN and SEX LUTHOR put out and extra beer stop with some others? The pack was soon off again and began to arrive at the LINCOLN PARK ZOO. Here MOUTHFUL of MEATS and STUFFERS Jell-O shots were well received. We even ran into a wedding party of all things taking pictures at the zoo?? We sang them numerous hash songs and gave them plenty of shots. I would imagine it was a very memorable moment for the new couple.

The pack wound its way north and made it to the house of FUJI where we had hot chocolate and cold beer. We soon made our way to Redmond’s bar and Calvin Started the circle. We brought numerous people out for violations and the Megaphone again worked well. I along with I LEAN, LIFA, and JOHANTHAN got the food from THAI CLASSIC. Thanks for all of the compliments about the food it seemed everyone was happy with our choice and we had tons of leftovers. The rest of the evening people had a great time and all you need to do is look at the pictures to see why and how!!

CHICKEN STIFFER
CH3-GM

HOLY COW!!! We’re still working on the final headcount but this one might have crossed 110+ hashers at Redmond’s easily over that counting the Thirstday and Second City folks that either hijacked or skipped trail plus the scores of visitors this a contender for Chicago’s largest event ever. Above is pic of the beer check in Lincoln Park and the fire pit at the Party Central Skydeck. More of the almost 200 pictures from 6th Antrhax will be up soon and Hangover Hash too. Prelube pix are already up (see nav bar to the right).

______

BIG HUMP BUS RIDE HOME

From Do My Butt:
I’ll be as brief as possible, and if y’all had a different perspective or I forget something, add it on!

Please take a look at my drawrings to help illustrate the event:

http://www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=45luym1g.1slqoyww&x=0&y=gs1108

So we’re on the way to Union Station in Chicago to come home, plenty of time, no rushing, so the boys stop to pick up some libations to hold the gang over while we wait and for the ride. After a Sunday circle of excessive “DO MY BUTT! IN THE CIRCLE!’s,” I decided I need not have any more to drink – I just wanted to take a nap, along with a few other Big-Humpers.

The air was cold, the ground was slushy, and the bus was an hour late. This made for 70 cold, wet, tired, and impatient innocent passengers. And amongst the confusion, the Big-Humpers managed to score 12 seats all together at the back of the top-deck of the bus.

And commenced drinking.

Our driver, who sounded suspiciously like Barry White, was also an hour behind his schedule and not in the mood for chit-chat. He made a very clear announcement that if you were caught drinking, smoking, using profane language or gambling, you’d become a “guest of the interstate.” To which the Humpers cracked up and mocked accordingly.

Flossit and Puss N Boobs led the charge by only using hash names, which is enough to qualify as “profane” in itself. And I think they were worried that the people in the front wouldn’t get to hear all the details of their weekend with Stupid Man and Scratch N Sniff, so
they made sure to project their voices. And for the record, I now know who has big pee-pees, and small pee-pees, and so do the rest of the travelers that day.

Puss couldn’t remember the song that made her bum and titties all red, but lucky for them, our fearless song miesteress was right behind them to help out. A rousing round of Bum Titty was sung, and when that wasn’t enough, “Jack the Necrophilliac” was sung loudly with many verses, each more hash-like than the last. And if there was ever a lull in the singing and conversation, Postage was right there to tell everybody that THAT was what SHE said.

At this point, I noticed that Flossit and I were both wearing our bright red event shirts from Chicago. I realized I hadn’t been associated with the group yet, so I quickly turned my shirt inside out.

Hummers and I pretend like we were sleeping when we heard Postage yelling, “Hey! Do My Butt! What’s going on up there? What’s the Mexican doing?”

At this point a nice, tired, reasonable passenger politely asks the offenders to maybe stop the yelling . . . to which most of the pack is grateful, hoping that maybe they’ll listen to the stranger, since our own pleas and text messages were going ignored.

Needless to say, the passenger’s plea went unrecognized.

The small gang is getting louder, and the rest of the bus is getting mad. I start to notice people looking back and making note of the worst offenders. I realize that Flossit has brown hair and a red shirt. I have brown hair and a red shirt. Time to lose the shirt
altogether, so I don’t get mistaken . . . I now have a grey shirt on and a ponytail.

Cliff realizes that things are getting nutty, and starts throwing out the idea that maybe the Big-Hump should have a “sleeping contest!” BWAHAHHAHA!!! They didn’t even hear you.

So we get to the Stucky’s, and Hummers and I are wondering if cops are on their way, or if they’ll call them from the lot, or if they’ll just get kicked off, and does anyone know we’re with them, and do they have bail money, and who would be around to come get them.

. . and just then Cliff walks past me with a jingling trash bag FULL TO THE BRIM with empty cans, bottles, and beer cases, and it’s all poorly being “hidden” with his jacket.

Everyone got off the bus, except Hummers, I Have a Dick, and myself. We seriously worried that if we got off, we’d not be allowed back on. We didn’t need Chicken Nuggets that bad.

So Flossit pukes, Puss is back in her seat, PMS and Postage got some snacks to soak up the booze and it actually seems like the pack is winding down. Enter Barry White on the speaker. He’s been informed. The offenders need to step forward. They don’t, so we all got to hear the call to the 5-0. One cop car shows up, the bus gets excited. Two cars show up, Hummers and I are praying a rosary.

Barry White and Officer Friendly come upstairs. The Big-Hump has been silenced. I thought my laughing would give us away, so I bit my tongue. When no one stepped forward, about 49 people volunteered to point out the rule-breakers.

Flossit was fine de-boarding since she wanted to smoke, Puss followed wondering what in the world she did to deserve this, PMS put on her giant homeless coat and fluffed her hair, and Postage was like, “Is that what she said? I don’t get it.”

At this point, the entire bus has craniums in the windows. Play-by-plays are flying. Postage won’t be quiet. PMS doesn’t know how these authorities can live with themselves. Flossit is smoking and Puss is standing there looking cute.

Things start looking confusing so Cliff jumps in to save the day. Next thing we know, Postage is getting twirled around and cuffed and tossed in the cop’s car. PMS goes nuts, Cliff runs to catch her, she’s flicking off the cop (twice) and in the meantime, Flossit is standing alone, swaying, trying to light a cigarette in the wind.

At this point, I’m thinking that PMS really likes to EARN the hashshit.

Things are not settling down, and Cliff needs sober back-up. Enter Hummers. As the pinch-hash-harlot, she goes to offer her services. About 6 minutes later, Postage is freed, the driver is back on board and people are calming down. Flossit got her cig lit.
Cliff stays with them, and comes up with the winning plan to get his brother to pick them all up. Only after many calls to many hashers and deciding who would have been the best choice for a ride.

The bus took off, they hung out at McDonalds, no one was arrested, and everyone is home safe.

The ride back home was boring as hell, and we had to try to explain hashing to the people sitting closest to us. One girl was like, “This is awesome! I’m finally going to have a great story to tell at work!” and I replied, “Not as good as the story THEY have!”

I was almost sad to be one of the lame-o’s riding the quiet bus back home. ALMOST.

I’m sure I forgot something, and I probably didn’t quite capture the hilarity of the situation, but I’m pretty sure there are down-downs in their futures.

Respectfully Submitted,

Do My Butt

Anthrax 2007

Chicago #1522 – 6th Great Chicago Anthrax Scare Hash
Published by itstoosoft on November 19, 2007 in special events, all events & runs and chicago hash runs.

The World’s Longest-Running* Hash Anthrax Scare Celebration**

Saturday, December 15, MMVII, Meet at 1400hrs CST, on out at 1430hrs (2:30pm)

Click Here for New Anthr@x 6 Rego Form or signup online via PayPal, below:

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO REGISTRANTS – New this year we are offering personalized hash name tags including the picture of your choice. If you would like a picture on your tag please email it Mt. Schwiiinga at [email protected] by December 7th. If not, we may pick one for you from our extensive library of icky, horrible and generally unmentionable things. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Join the Chicago Hash House Harriers for our Winter 2007 Flagship Event – the 6th Anniversary of Chicago’s Great Anthrax Scare of 2002!!!

To view the authentic news media coverage on the 2002 Anthrax Scare click here
More time to kill? Check out Flying Booger’s remarks on Chicago 6th Antrhax on his Half Mind Blog here

(*) refers to most consecutive years, not length of trails
(**) longest-running and also the only one that we are aware of

Never before seen bonus vintage Anthrax Pic! Here is a shot of the Hazmat Hare at Chicago O’Hare Fire Station #3 where he was escorted by the Chicago Police on Christmas Eve 2002 after explaining over the Fire Department’s radio to on-site first responders that our trial marks in Lincoln Park were only harmless flour. The cops and firefighters there were really cool about it and even let me get a picture next to one of their fire engines.

It is interesting that the Chicago Fire Department at O’Hare has yellow rather than red trucks and a flying eagle logo (you can see part of it to the far right of the cab) instead of the regular nested-lettter CFD logo. The only other civilians who have ever been this close to this equipment have been involved in aircraft mishaps! I suppose this was better…

FRIDAY NIGHT – 6th Anthrax Pre-Lube “Mini” Pub Crawl in Wrigleyville or Lakeview
——————————————————————————–
Friday, December 14th 6:00pm- ????

Last year so many people from Big Hump came ready to rock they blew out our party at The Union so this year we’ve brought friends to the fight and are unleashing a full-blown Fuji pub crawl instead. Will Big Hump have GAME? Can Indyscent REPRESENT? Will Madison swear off drinking alcohol forever after HITTING THIS WALL? Come find out!

Bars and specials TBA but as many of us will already have done back-to-back 12 Bars of Christmas blowouts the previous two weekends, this one will have “no more than six bars”!

SATURDAY – The Main Event – Chicago Run #1522 The 6th Annual Great Chicago Anthrax Scare Hash / Santa Hat Run
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Saturday, December 15 Meet @2pm, out at 2:30pm (at 2:31 you are on your own!)

Hares: It’s Too Soft (the original Hazmat Hare), Chicken Stiffer, Calvin Klein, Super Stuff’her (Big Hump cannot possibly get us all too drunk to lay a death march trail!)
Venue: The home of the original Anthrax Run – Hidden Shamrock Club – 2723 N. Halsted (Halsted & Diversey, just East of the [closed] Diversey Brown Line Stop). A–B-C run. Bring your EURail Pass unless you want to walk back to your car.

View Larger Map

Price includes a Santa Hat, hazmat suit for the run, commemorative t-shirt (if paid by Nov 30), surprise bonus tchotchke, and four hours of open bar and food at the on-in party.

Hash Hotels: Days Inn Lincoln Park (~$100/night) http://www.lpndaysinn.com/index2.html
Arlington House (~$50/60/night) http://www.arlingtonhouse.com/

Event security provided by Blackwater USA

Prices: $39 Dec 1 – Dec 14; $44 day of, if available and no guarantees of any bonus gifts or t-shirts (add $1.43 to the $39 price to cover processing fees for Paypal option). Or for 41 cents you can snail mail in your rego the ole’ fashioned way! Postmark determines cutoff pricing as always and Australian Rules Football apply.

Click Here for New Anthr@x 6 Rego Form or signup online via PayPal, below:

Shirt Size
Hash Name / Nerd Name / Home Hash
Make payments with PayPal – it’s fast, free and secure!
Whooz Cumming So Far? A sort of somewhat up to date list..

It’s too Soft – Chicago H3 Hazmat HARE!
Chicken Stiffer – Chicago H3 HARE & GM!
Calvin Klein – Chicago H3 HARE
Super Stuffer – Chicago H3 HARE
Are They Real – Chicago H3
Just Alex – Chicago H3
Salty Gash – Chicago H3
PackHer Ass – Chicago H3
69-cent man – Chicago H3
Milk My Yak – Chicago H3
Barks On All Fours – Chicago H3
Ballsalotpus – Chicago H3
Just Angelle – Chicago H3
Just Steve – Chicago H3
Just Saud – Chicago H3
Spotted Cock – Chicago H3
Lifa – Chicago H3
Mouthful of meat – Chicago H3
Batteries Not Included – Chicago H3
Just Esther – Chicago H3
W’all Bangher – Chicago H3
Anal Assault – Chicago H3
Mt Schwiiinga – Chicago H3
Just Molly – Chicago H3
Just Jonathan – Chicago H3
Anal Assualt – Chicago H3
Stab’em * Slab’em – Chicago H3
The Grrreat Loch Ness Cockster – Chicago H3
Just Rob – Chicago H2
2 Tickets 2 a Pair o Thighs – Chicago H3
Just Tyrone – Chicago H3
Sperm Diversion – CH3
Odor Eater – Chicago H3
Rotn’ Whore – Chicago H3

Just Pat – Chicago H3
Just Tom – Chicago H3
Just Katherine – Chicago H3
Flying Hooters – Chicago H3
Virtually Hung – Chicago H3
C*nt & Pasties – Chicago H3
One-Handed Typist – Chicago H3

Ram Van Thank You M’am – Thirstday H3

Chicago H3 Alumni
Canned Pussy – Somewhere in DC
Smell This – New York H3

Rhotan – Second City HHH

Grass On the Infield – Waukesha H3
Floundering Ass Plant – Waukesha H3
Grizzly Sodoms – Waukesha H3
Hand Solo – Waukesha H3
Just Kristen – Waukesha H3
Copulator!! – Waukesha H3

Mount Van Tramp
Dribbles In- Madison H3
Trailer Trash
Return to Gender – Madison H3
ZamBoner – Madison H3
Different Strokes- Madison H3
Himalayme – Madison H3
Eggbeater – Madison H3

Scratch & Sniff – Kenosha
Stupid Man – Kenosha

Oral Persuasion – Indyscent HHH

Ash Cache B’gash – Hoosier H3
Vazeliney Greazy Beaver – Hoosier H3

Cliff BangHer – Big Hump
Burning A$$hole – Big Hump
Hummers Para Libre – Big Hump
Dos HiXXies – Big-Hump H3
Flossit w/a Faucet – Big Hump!
Sexorcist – Big-Hump H3
Do My Butt!! – Big-Hump, Bitches!
I Have a Dick – Big-Hump H3
GladHeAteHer – Big Hump H3
Lock Nut Monster – Big Hump H3
Strap-On Strap-Off – Big Hump
Dead Squirrel – Big Hump
PMS – Big Hump
Postage Tramp – Big Hump

Horny Again – Sin City H4
The Unalicker – Sinc City H4
Fluffer – Sin City H4

Pornogenic – Bell Scott
2 F*ck Canuck – Bell Scott

Laa-Laa – Carolina Trash H3 / Big Hump H3
Trout Stash – ???
Rambutt – Every Day is Wednesday
Slowman – Baltimore
Roll On – Baltimore
Amelia Airhead – BH3
A Salt My A$$ – EWH4 DC
Hot Lips – Grand Rapids GM

Special Note to Registrats: New this year we are offering personalized hash name tags including the picture of your choice. If you would like a picture on your tag please email it Mt. Schwiiinga at [email protected] by December 7th. If not, we may pick one for you from our extensive library of icky, horrible and generally unmentionable things.

SUNDAY – Chicago HHH First Annual Hannukah Hangover Hash
——————————————————————————–
Sunday, December 16 @11am
Hare(s): Thanks to Fluffer from Sin City for volunteering yet again!
Location TBA (somewhere in Lincoln Park/Lakeview close to the hash hotels & hash crash)

Includes short trail, beers, and NFL Football!!!
Okay so actual Hannukah ended on 12/12 but the theme gives us such great alliteration!

The World’s Longest-Running* Hash Anthrax Scare Celebration**

The (REAL) History of Anthrax

Ah, the real story of the original Anthrax Hash needs to be told.

Yes, it started at the Hidden Shamrock with many, many hashers, including a slew of visitors from Waukesha, on a cold (very friggin cold) Sunday afternoon. Twas a couple of nights before Christmas and all through the bar, hashers were stirring and wondering what the hell had happened to the hare (alias Its Too Soft)!! Twas to begin at 3:00 (hash time 3:30) yet by 3:45 not creature was stirring, nor a hare to be found. Then bursting through the door ITS made an entrance, his bicycle well secured!! And off the pack went – howling with glee.

Many cold (did I mention that it was REALLY cold?), many, many cold miles (and about an hour and a half) later we finally stumbled exhausted into ITS abode for a most well deserved brew. Through the muttering and cursing we filtered the beer through our frozen lips. Ah, but at least it twas almost over. On, on, Dancer, Prancer, Mudsucker, Good Swallow, Virtually Hung and a host of others! And on… and on…. and on… til the better reason struck us and we realized that the marathon would never end. So to the bar we short-cutted, bypassing the long, cold jog through Lincoln Park (which probably included a swim in the icy lake)…

An evening to remember, the hare escaped with his scalp in spite of our efforts (we were too cold to snag him, and he was so spry since he had laid much of the trail by bicycle dropping huge piles of white flour on the ground). And he went blissfully on his way with sugar plums in his dreams.

But…..

Twas two days later when an alert zoo worker saw the piles of white powder, which due to their huge size had not blow away over the two days since the hash, and realized that the terrorists were a-coming. The brave firemen in their cool (and expensive) bio suits arrived, tested the pile, and lo and behold, twas positive for anthax. Alerts, and hollers and over a hundred firemen beat feet to the site, and another hundred of their police brethren also raced to the site of the crime. Milling around, and, well not exactly caroling…

Then I, the innocent GM over the horde, received a call from Necrophiliac, a Sun Times reporter noting that Lincoln Park was closed down and he was on site doing his reporting thing. Said he, there is an Anthrax situation and lo and behold it was where the hash supposedly ran (of course, no one ran the last leg after the beer stop except for Virtually Hung). And the cops wanted two people to verify that it was flour before they called off the alert (200 cops and firemen on overtime!!)…

ITS was waiting for a plane and he faxed a map from the OHare fire station (per his pic).
Virtual was picked up by the cops, sirens wailing and tires squealing, as he anticipated that his career as a high flouting lawyer was about to come to an end…

Ah, it was over… or was it? Then Necrophiliac called to say that the fire dept wanted $88,000 for the costs from the “running club responsible for this scare”. We did have about $85 in the hash cash kitty, so I stopped by my tailor to get fitted for Prison Orange!! Rather fashionable, I must declare!

How did it happen, you ask? (don’t care if you didn’t ask – it’s my story!!). Add the hare throwing large globs of white flour onto the ground from a bike to firemen that never calibrated their new detectors near a zoo (animals have low levels of anthrax) and that was the recipe for the debacle.

Alas, the firemen rejoined their families, the cops returned to their donuts (Mount Me – just had to throw that in!), I returned my orange suit, Virtual’s peers never saw him on TV, ITS flew into the sunset and the hash cash kitty remained overflowing with its $85, and the denizens of Lincoln Park returned to their cages – the animals too!

Many calls and emails from the new media and from hashers spanning the globe later, I sank into exhausted oblivion, from which they tell me, I will recover someday!

And a Merry Christmas to all…

Mudsucker

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1521

Hash Trash: 12/9/07
Hares: Calvin Klein & Batteries not Included
Venue: Burtons Place

VIRGINS:
VISITORS:
HASHERS: Just Pat, Special Ed Giver, Chicken Stiffer, At Your Cervix, Just Katherine, Just Rob, Frosted Discharge, Cums in my Assfault, Horn-e, Just Steve, Super Stuffer, Its Too Soft, Chippendale, Mount Me Puh�lzee, Lifa, Just Tyrone, Peterbilt, Just Molly, Mouthful of Meat,
VIRGINS= 0
VISTORS=0
TOTAL HASHERS= 21

CALVIN and BATTRIES laid this hash from a new hash bar south of North Ave. on Wells street and thing went really well. We had a private room, warm beer, which was switched for cold beer, and good food. This combination usually makes the hash happy. Throw in the fact that we had a roaring fireplace and over 20 hashers on a cold wet day than you have a very happy pack. The trail was set with over 20 pounds of red powder AKA flour which CALVIN carried while Batteries wore her FMB boots to stay warm and lazy to carry the dry wall. The circle was started after numerous hashers bought the new haberdashery. This new stuff should be gone by Anthrax so if you want a new shirt show up early at Anthrax to be able to find your size and color. We have already sold about 33% of the new stuff bought. I guess we are going to need to find new things to make! Back to the circle. The pack of 20 listened and were told be careful of the ICE but JUST STEVE ran on and quickly fell on
his ass. LIFA and CHIPPENDALE soon had the FRB position and had the pack going south and west and then back east. JUST KATHERINE was not going to let a little Chicago winter prevent her from wearing shorts, and shorts she wore!! The pack soon was down near the Water Tower place. ITS TOO SOFT with his whistler GPS device was ever vigilant as to where he was, and close behind him was CUMS in MY ASSFAULT and MOUTHFUL OF MEAT. We ran by the TOWERING PHALIC symbol known as the JOHN has a COCK building but the doorman were seen sweeping up the flour marks left outside by CALVIN, it helped that the hares were sweeping this trail. LIFA soon was nailed and took the false trail out to the lake, but I saw JUST STEVE cross Michigan ave. on trail so I called for JUST TYRONE and SUPER STUFFER to follow him. The trail wound back and forth through the tall buildings until it got back to the bar.
AT YOUR CERVIX, JUST KATHERINE, SPECIAL ED GIVER, and MOUTHFUL were soon warming their buns on the fire, now all the needed was some hot dogs but they turned down HORN-E. The pack called for beer and I obliged by ordering four pitchers the only problem is was it tasted like it had sat near the fire for too long so our bartender went down stairs to get the cold stuff. CHIPPENDALE was hot for food so CALVIN got the circle going quickly in 15 minutes and we brought out our victims for Hash crimes. FROSTED DISCHARGE, JUST PAT, and JUST ROB were part of the six-pack group wearing their new hash gear proudly so they drank. If you don�t understand this look at the picture Czar�s shots in the album! The FRB was LIFA?!?!? and the whining bitch was ITS TOO SOFT for having to run the trail hung over. MOUNT ME drank for his new territory the nice area of streeterville, and soon spilled most of his beer on the floor? BATTERIES drank for her FMB�s and soon pointed out that
PETERBILT was wearing Velcro shoes again. CALIN had the circle going for 30 minutes because he needed to practice for the ANTHRAX HASH next weekend. CHIPPENDALE was so hungry it looked like he was doing the pee pee dance so we closed circle and he ran out for pizza. After everyone ate we reopened the circle and named JUST STEVE—> JUST EILEEN. We also named JUST KATHERINE—> TOTALLY BUTCH. She almost was named B�ROCK out with your COCK OUT but it lost be a small margin?? Premonition anyone? Hope to see you next weekend some time REMEMBER
DEC. 14= PUB CRAWL 6:30 pm at WRIGHTWOOD TAP
DEC. 15= ANTHRAX HASH 2 pm at HIDDEN SHAMROCK
DEC. 16= HANGOVER HASH 11 am hared by FLUFFER sin city hasher

ALL ARE WELCOME to these events

CHICKEN STIFFER
CH3-GM

CH3 #1521

Chicago #1521 Sunday 12/9, 2pm @ TBA: Pre-Anthrax Hash
Hare(s): Batteries Not Included & Calvin Klein
Venue: Burton Place – 1447 N Wells St, Chicago, IL 60610
(312) 664-4699
Hash cash: Take-out-a-second-mortgage-on-the-cat price of $6.

View Larger Map

Last Chicago Hash B4 6th Anthrax with veteran hares. This should be interesting & fun as I can’t recall the last time we hashed in the heart of Old Town!

We will have a private room upstairs $7 pitchers of lite and 35 cent wings and other food specials.

Environmentally-friendly public transportation:
From Lincoln Park/Lakeview – Red Line to Division, hoof it a couple blocks West on Division to Wells and then North on Wells or the Brown Line to Sedgwick and hoof it East on North Ave from Sedgwick to Wells and then South on Wells.
From Wicker Park/Bucktown – Blue Line to Division, take the Division 70 Bus East to Wells, hoof it a couplea blocks North to the bar.

Driving:
Hop into your hooptie and cruise to basically North Ave and Wells. Parking in Old Town sucks worse than warm Icehouse. Best bet is to look South of North Ave and West of Wells as Lincoln Park and the Gold Coast are NOT the places to look for parking on the Near North Side.

It gets alot better the farther West you go (parking-wise, not socioeconomically speaking), especially as you get closer to what remains of the Cabrini Green Public Housing Projects (which I’m sure will be the ‘urban shiggy’ part of the trail), for obvious reasons.

CH3 #1520

Chicago #1520 @ Janina’s : 6th Annual Idiot’s Day Joint Hash w/Second City
Submit Hare(s): Specklebird (Idiot’s Day Hare for Life)
Venue: Janina’s Gin Mill & Saloon – 3459 N Milwaukee Ave (Milwaukee & Keeler)
Hash Cash: $5 (One-day holiday doorbuster special – same price as Second City!!)

This very aptly-named hash lived up to its billing on so many levels. One example was our GM Chicken Stiffer wheeling Just Molly down the street in an abandoned shopping cart at a very high rate of speed. What part of this does not just simply scream out BAD IDEA. Fortunately for the hash (for liablility reasons) these two Idiot’s Day celebrants lived to see another day (perhaps less fortunate for the gene pool tho as natural selection may have been temporarily thwarted). More pix from this hash on the nav bar or pictures section or on Koday EasyShare Gallery.

Hash trash to be posted soon.

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For those of us who can still move after the Pre-Pre Anthr@x 12 Bars of Christmas the previous night, please join us for a special joint celebration of this Second City Classic – “Idiot’s Day” as Second City deigns to appear within Chicago City Limits! Rumours abound that we may also see the first new Idiots’ Day t-shirts in years available for purchase at additional cost. Janina’s is one of our favorite hash bars in scenic Avondale.

We did a joint hash w/Second City last year @ Windsor Tavern on 12/3/06 and had such a blast we’re doing it again. Second City’s schedule conflicts with Chicago seven months out of the year and we still all get along and even have joint hashes with them like this. That’s cooperation. Other area hashes who we won’t name, you conflict with just one of their “dates” and they will post enough flames on their message boards to heat half of Stalingrad in January.

From Soar Balls of Second City:

“This Sunday, come out to Janina’s on Milwaukee and get your hangover hash for Pearl Harbor out of the way before you go to Milwaukee.

Yes, it’s time once again (by my calculations, the Xth time) for Idiot’s Day. To ensure a true Idiot’s Day, we thought we should have the traditional post-Pearl Harbor Hash a week before Pearl Harbor. What do you think we are, a bunch of Einsteins who know the difference between pre- and post-? NO! We’re Zwei-, Drei-, Funf-, und Zwolf-steins who don’t plan to stop at one German bier.

Once you’ve got your brain suitably set to Idiot (just keep chanting “Brain, brain, go away, come again some other day&quot, come out to Janina’s (3457 N Milwaukee) at 2:00 PM this Sunday (Dec. 2), and Specklebird will take you on the stupidest tour of the northwest side you ever did see. Special bonus points if you can’t figure out where the beer stop is going to be.

To get to Janina’s, blindly grope your way to Belmont (3200 N) and Milwaukee (~3900 W), go about 3 blocks northwest on Milwaukee until you get to Keeler. Then you’ve gone too far, so look behind you a couple doors on the southwest side of the street, and you’ve found Janina’s. You’ll know it’s Janina’s by the sign out front that says “Janina’s”.

Alternatively, take ye olde Blue Line to Addison and go west on Addison to Keeler. Go south on Keeler to Milwaukee and wander about aimlessly asking strangers where you might find Janina’s.”

Environmentally-Friendly Public Transit
From Lincoln Park/Lakeview: Red Line 2 Addison, Addison #152 bus West to Keeler, hoof it three blocks South to the bar on Milwaukee.
From Wicker Park/Bucktown: Blue Line 2 Addison, schlep four blocks West to Keeler and three blocks South to the bar on Milwaukee or take the Milwaukee #56 bus Northwest to Keeler.

Driving
Hop into your hooptie and cruise 2 the corner of Addison & Keeler, Addison freeway exit from the Kennedy and west to Keeler, South to Milwaukee. Helen Keller could find a parking space in this neighborhood.

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1519

Hash Trash: 11/25/07
Run: 1519
Hares: Super Stuffer & Just Steve
Venue: O’Lanagan’s – 2335 W. Montrose Ave

Virgins: 3 (or was it 4? – hey, am I a great scribe or what!)

Visitors: 1 (2, if you think CP is a visitor)

Hashers: A bunch of ‘em including Canned Pussy, Magnetic Muff, Special Ed Giver, Sir Poops a Lot, Lifa, Virtually Hung, Pack ‘er Ass, Just Saud, Happy Ass Grabber, General Ass Pounder, Just Tyrone, Just Melissa, Wall Bang Her, Just Tom, Just John, Just Jennie, Just Steve, Super Stuff `er and probably a few others that aren’t written on this torn paper plate I’m reading from.

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A double-virgin haring? We all cringed at the start, knowing that the result would be at least one of:

1. The on-out being too close to the on-in, causing the pack to skip 90% of the trail.

2. The hares using “cute” trail markings that no one can understand and thus causing the pack to skip 89% of the trail.

3. The marks being so small/infrequent/ hidden/hard- to-see that the pack will give up and miss 88% of the trail.

4. The hares deciding on the theme of “we’re going to make this the longest hash run ever” causing everyone but Happy Ass Grabber to take a taxi to the finish.

Or worse yet…

1. The bar wouldn’t tolerate our antics.

2. The beer would be shitty/warm/ expensive.

Amazingly none of this happened, and even more amazingly the trail was actually damn good. Super Stuff `er started us off by providing the chalk talk while being chastised by the circle for not being explicit enough for the virgins. We were warned that this was an ADD run, and that if we found ourselves on the trail without chalk marks, we should follow shiny objects instead.

After the usual introductions, we spotted our first shiny object (aluminum foil) on a tree across the street in Welles Park and soon thereafter found the first check. Virtually Hung quickly figured it out and led us north toward Lawrence Ave. We veered west and proceeded to make something like 11 left turns in a row, covering every inch of street, alley and parking lot available. Crossing the river on Wilson, a check mixed up the pack for a few minutes, but 50~60 chalk arrows were finally found on the Lawrence Bridge bringing us to the beer stop at the hare’s mother’s house. There was a beer cooler and a couple dozen beer bottles on the back deck, along with a woman looking out the window with a “what have you freaks done to my son” look on her face. The pack guzzled nectar in the cold and endured a 1/2 mile run back to the on-in. Well done hares.

The stand-in RA was Virtually Hung, and he dispensed a bunch of well-deserved down-downs of which I have no recollection because I was very busy talking and interrupting the circle. What I do recall is the complete absence of mismanagement members. What could have happened? Did they move the hash to Saturday and not tell anyone? Did the CH3 corporate jet go down while en route to another junket in Indy/Cincy/Big Hump/Madison/ Waukesha? Assuming that the later was most likely the case, a new mismanagement was immediately installed:

Grand Mistress: Cunt & Pasties
Hare Razer: Super Stuff `er
Haberdasher: Sir Poops a Lot
Religious Adviser: Just John
Hash Cash: Bloody Thighs
Web Master: Horn-E
Hash Flash: Wall Bang Her
Hash Scribe: Lifa
Hash Sex Therapist: Magnetic Muff
Hash Human Shield: EZ on the Ass
Hash Belligerence Consultant (emeritus): Boner Malfunction

I believe C & P will be conducting her first mismanagement meeting next Sunday, but it’s hard to read the date through the grease mark on this plate.

On-On,
Lifa

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[Editor’s Note: Thanks to the “replacement players” for keeping this week’s hash going.

Rumours of a coup have been greatly exaggerated. In fact, the CH3 Mismanagement Dassault Falcon 9x Jet has returned safely from Yangon where the Generals of Myanmar kindly hosted seminars on “How Run A Tighter Ship In You Junta”, “Quashing Pesky Democratic Idealism”, “How to Knit Nice Tea Cosys For the Holidays From Lightly Used Buddhist Monk Vestments” and “Without Constant Vigilance, Even Your Team Could Be Upset By the Chicago Bears”. Expect business as usual next week.]

– Fuji

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